Deeper...

I feel as if I have only been just scrapping the surface in these recent posts. I have just been touching upon the bare surface level issues of my life. It has been cathartic, good, worthwhile, but ultimately unsubstantial. My Father and my God reached through such shallowness tonight and reawakened my spirit. Jesus is gracious enough to allow me these revelatory moments and for them I am intensely grateful. It is like living always in a haze and then for a moment the haze dissipates and I can see clearly; I understand my purpose and my heart breaks for how I live my life. All else seems to fade away in importance, in significance and it is only me and my heavenly Daddy. My earthly daddy showed me a video from the Internet tonight. It was about a soldier coming home from Iraq and surprising his little boy. The video showed the little boy's reaction and it broke my heart. As soon as he saw his daddy his face broke into blissful, unbelieving tears. He saw no one else, but ran straight to his daddy and cried into his shoulder, clinging to him for dear life. It is during these revelatory moments of my life that all seems stripped away and I just run to Jesus and cling to Him for dear life. But it breaks my heart that it takes these moments to truly allow me to see my Daddy. Perhaps He gives me these moments just often enough to remind my insipid mind that He alone is sufficient...

Perspective and a job...

I went to see the second Chronicles of Narnia this evening with my parents and sister--for the second time. I saw it initially at the midnight showing with my best friend before she left for Africa--I loathed it--it deviated too much from the book in my mind, and I am a Lewis purist. However, the second viewing lent itself to a new perspective. I saw the deviations in a new light and understood their presence, like a bad politician, and allowed them to settle in my psyche, like a good conversation. There is beauty in new perspective...

The job search is finally at an end. I have ceased striving and fretting, seeking and filling out applications. I have instead resumed the occupation of many a past summer--life guarding. This was not the job I desired nor looked for and in fact I avoided adamantly, but nevertheless it found me. My boss from last summer called me, seeking employees and his offer was difficult to turn down. The hours will be conducive to my summer school schedule and the atmosphere is relaxed and I know all of the family's that visit the pool. The only downfall is the sun exposure--what is skin cancer really? I'm only kidding, but seriously...

Modern Christendom and Church

I am truly struggling with church at present. I have not quite formulated why, but I simply have not been able to take church seriously, as of late. I do not believe I enter church every Sunday with a cynical mindset; however, almost instantly I shut down. I am in a sever period of questioning (alright, perhaps not "sever," but still...) Many questions arise in my mind, such as--why do we worship as we do? It feels like forced, uncomfortable choir practice, with no emotion or spirit of worship or adoration. We stand and sit mechanically, at the ushering of our worship pastor who leads us through hymns of monotony. Clapping occurs only when initiated by the worship leader and seems unenthusiastic and artificial. "Fellowship time" feels awkward and equally forced. I had to leave the sanitary during the service today in an attempt to quell my cynicism. Why was I responding this way? During the period of prayer and reflection I could not even pray--I felt it was almost a matter of principle--foolish perhaps, but legitimate. If God is not present, worshipped, learned from in church--why go? I am learning that I despise boxes and the pressure of fitting into specific categories--I loath it in fact. I believe my response to being forced into a box that dictates how I worship God causes me to revile it. The odd thing is that I have never before felt this revulsion. I think in many facets of my life I am pushing to break the boxes and resist generalities norms. This is perhaps a dangerous place, but I do not fear it, in fact I rejoice in the process. I desire discernment simultaneously, and do not want to climb to high atop my self-righteous pedestal of enlightenment, but rather question, seek and find wisdom, ultimately. I think church and I may need a break from each other--at least for now. I need to know--why?

Job interviews and dark chocolate

Finally--an interview. I called the natural foods store, near my house, this morning and the manager told me to come in for an interview at two o'clock--I instantly agreed. I showered and made myself presentable, but sadly forgot to brush my teeth--great first impression. I entered the store eager, ready, nervous. It's a grocery store! Nonetheless...I inquired at the nearest register, "Is your manager available." The woman I asked proceeded to call him loudly over the store intercom. Interviews are such strange things--I felt as if I was trying as hard as I could to sell myself (figuratively speaking) in order to get the job--but, I suppose that's the road of employment. They look at countless applicants and you must set yourself apart somehow. Nonetheless, I don't enjoy prostituting myself for any job (forgive the terminology). The manager told me they (the proverbial "they") would evaluate my application over the weekend and let me know about the job on Monday or Tuesday--thank God.

I spent another enjoyable evening with my parents. My mother allowed me to cook dinner--a simple meal of tamales, brown rice and salad. It was oddly gratifying to simply cook. We ate, and talked, sipped wine and talked some more. There is something so pleasant in stimulating conversation--despite differences in opinion. We then took our evening walk around the neighborhood, which is turning into quite a chore as the heat and humidity of South Texas rapidly increases. Tonight I was assigned the job of walking the dog (usually Alie's job, but her absence forced me into the role). Loretta (Alie' dog) is an incorrigible animal. Let me just say--she does not respond to other animals very well--I eventually let Dad walk her. Upon returning home, we then spent the evening reading together in the living room, sipping tea, exchanging excerpts from our books, attempting to concentrate on our books and nibbling bits of dark chocolate. No job--yet--but still life...

Sunsets and Motorbikes

Still jobless, but learning...I believe I am finally settling into the routine, or un-routine of home. My usual routine driven self is being chased away amidst the structureless nature of my life at present. I am learning to appreciate minute parts of a day, things for which I usually pass over and take little notice. Meals eaten together as a family and savored over conversation are daily events which I now look forward to with annticipation. In addition to the walks following, which are taken with pleasure. A cup of coffee in the morning is drunk with thanks and consumed slowly, with relish. Chapters in a book no longer pass drudgingly by in expectation of the next, but are instead studied and pondered, underlined and thought through. Letters written and received hold the beautiful weight of love and care. Phone conversations with friends far away are laced with the joy of connection.

I experienced one small joy of life tonight as I walked around my neighborhood with my mother and sister. We went out a bit earlier than usual and the sun was just setting. As we rounded one corner and turned to come home, I stopped, awe struck. My mother's favorite colors were encompassed in the canvas of the sky. Cotton candy pink clouds lay atop the robin egg blue sky. The colors mingled together in beautiful harmony. I stopped and gave thanks. Perhaps some of the purpose this summer lies in this--awareness.

Another beautiful facet of life presented itself in the form of a mini-motorbike. Also on the walk, mentioned above, I witnessed a grown man precariously situated and driving a miniture motorcyle. It was beyond hilarious. I felt as if I was watching a circus act and half-expected a fat woman or an elephant to emerge from somewhere. The quirky bits of life and wonderous, when noticed and appreciated.

Longing...

My heart aches at present. I have been torturing myself by looking at pictures, which all of my friends at JBU have just posted, who have been on choir tour--in Northern Ireland. Oh, how I wish to return! I know I am foolish, but I feel as if it were my trip and that they are somehow stealing it from me--utterly foolish, I know. As I look at what was my home for three months, where I grew and experienced so much--my heart could just burst for want of going there again! How I long to return to that time and relive it--the conversations, the indescribable beauty, the people, the times of solitude...all of it. But, that was then and this is now and I cannot return; I cannot go back to what was. I am here now, but now what...?

Surrender

There is great irony in my present situation. I have been home from school exactly two weeks today. These days that have felt like an age have been a mixture of initial rest and relaxation proceeded by mounting anxiety as my jobless, friendless, structureless-self stared bleakly toward a long, hot, Texas summer. Today, however, began differently. To start, I met with Jesus for the first time in many days and read through Psalm 130, especially verse 5, which reads, "I wait for the Lord, my soul waits and in His word I hope." I also read Oswald Chambers' My Utmost for His Highest and was, as usual, blown away by its timeliness--by His timeliness. I also made a new friend last night--April--she's the wife of one of the youth pastor's at Community Bible Church and I foresee a true friend in her (she likes ultimate Frisbee, how can we not be friends?:) I still have no job, but I continue to seek and wait now, not anxiously, but with expectation and hope. I am beginning to surrender to the beautiful openness of summer and am learning to revel in all of its possibilities, rather than allow them to weigh me down. I know I am here, at home, in San Antonio, for a purpose--I just need to discover what that is--but how can I do that if I am too busy worrying? I instead choose to resign myself to two hour naps, late nights of reading, guitar and piano practice, phone calls, letters, time...things I only fantasised about during the school year. The irony is this then--now I have time, but I chose to worry about the future, rather than surrender to the endless possibilities of the present. I wanted time, now I have it--shall I not then use it until further notice. Be content, I say...

The vice of technology

Technology plagues our lives, yet sustains our means of modern living. We cannot live without it, but with it comes the superfluous trappings of the current age. Technology enables us to be instantly "connected" with our friends via venues like facebook and myspace; however, these virtual reality interfaces offer only a farce. We are sold the gimmick that we are really interacting with our friends and remaining connected, but sadly it is a lie. Ultimately, such interfaces are simply time wasting avenues that lead to discontentment with ones life.

Our lives seem inexorably linked with technology, yet man evolved and advanced without it for centuries. Advances in technology provide means of saving lives, but also possess the ability to waste that same life. A type of virtual interaction has just recently been introduced into my life--introduced, not accepted--it is called twittering. It is a means of continually updating ones "status," as it were. This can be done via your cellular device, facebook, email, etc. It is, in a way, like a mini-blog, but much creepier and evolved. You can constantly update your status, so as to inform your friends of your day and activities. Example: "I am going to eat then heading home to watch a movie." Twittering is like the lecherous hand of technology gripping more firmly on humanity and its time. We must not allow this beast to consume our lives, we must fight back.

I realize the irony of this post exists in the fact that I myself am benefiting from this "beast" called technology in the form of this blog and, yes, I fully admit my hypocrisy on this front; however, I believe technology can be employed wisely and temperately, yet without excess--which is the tendency of our culture. We must not to excess tend...

Reality bites...

Reality does not truly bite, but sometimes, and when it does--it really does. The job search has not improved and neither have my spirits. I believe I am experiencing a mild form of depression--very mild, mind you. I am not handling well this adjustment to summer, this dichotomy of experience. I have not been away from school and its structure, its daily routines and friendships for two weeks, yet I feel I am suffocating--suffocating for daily challenge, both of mind and spirit. I yearn for deep conversations that cause me to ponder further my place and purpose in this world. I miss keenly the proximity of dear friends who strengthen, challenge and encourage me. I miss the academic rigor of papers and class discussions--in all its facets--I miss school. Perhaps more than that, however, I miss a community of people joined together towards a common purpose...

Returning to my parent's house is always a strange thing and the other half of this dichotomy of experience. It is my home--rather, it was my home. I think, perhaps, much of my struggle centers upon this front. I lived here, I grew here, but I have left here for there...this period of life and existence is strange--extremely nomadic and ever-fluxing. Where is home? San Antonio was my home, but is no longer. John Brown is my home at present, but will be no longer in one year's time. There is beauty in this transient lifestyle, but also "unsettledness." I long for adventure, to travel, to be free of constraint and responsibility, but on the other hand...I am not sure what the other hand is actually.

I do not function well without structure (which I loath about myself) but it's reality. This fact makes coming home all the more difficult. I transition from daily consistency: work, classes, meetings, etc. all with a purpose and each day with a goal or goals to the structureless days of summer. I always attempt to create daily routines for myself, in order to keep myself sane, but feel as if I am accomplishing nothing. I loath this concept--accomplishment--yet I am forever plagued by its constraints. I unconsciously gauge my days and their "worth" based upon what it is I accomplish--sick. How can anyone live like this? I fear I cannot, yet I do...

I believe the state of mind I am in would be what Anne of Green Gables calls the "depths of despair," well, something like that...but perhaps a little less horrible sounding. I believe I need to cease striving after some set notion of life in my head, surrender, and simply live...just maybe--oh, and get over myself, that's what Alie would say.

The job search and conspiracy theories

Apparently acquiring employment is not as simple as I originally assumed. Starbucks does NOT hire part time, which basically kills my dreams of ever working there--who cares--they are way over commercialized anyway...right? Well, upon this discovery, I then inquired at a much cuter, local coffee shop up the road from my house. Upon inquiry, the lovely woman behind the counter, named Judy, informed me with a sad look on her face that she "was not hiring at this time." The story of my life. Either, too little time, too much training required, or simply no availability. Am I then doomed to waste my summer days away in meaningless anguish? (Dramatic sarcasm intended). Oh, and I have officially decided--the entire world is one huge materialistic conspiracy. Everyone, and I mean everyone is trying to sell you something, and they will do it by lying to you, schmoozing you--anything to convince you to purchase some unnecessary something for a purpose that our material society has foisted on our collective Psyche--ridiculous, I say. We have somehow convinced ourselves that we need these things: new underwear to match the new shorts we just bought, or new running shoes, or a new cell phone, a better computer, or perhaps another pair of superfluous earrings that we will never wear--nonsense, I say--despite my own acknowledged weaknesses. So, no job and thus no money to buy unnecessary things...perfect. And to add to this perfection, my best friend just left for Africa, and will be gone the majority of the summer--shall we say elated? I think not, but as Scarlet from Gone with the Wind declared--"tomorrow is another day." And so it is...

Summer heat

The heat of a Texas summer is a depressing reality--both literally and figuratively. It weighs upon the body and soul, threatening to deplete one of any creative desire or pursuit. I feel drained of all energy and inclination--I am void of life in the sweltering heat of the South. The sweat which pores down my body and soaks my hairline ruins a good shower. My exposed legs stick to the leather seat of my car and threaten to peel the skin from my bones with great force. The air conditioning fights against the heat that rages outside and creates an indoor Arctic region--my haven. Any hint of a breeze or wind lifts my spirits to the heavens. How have I lived in this place for the majority of my life? I think it's time to move...