tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-66032909839052619282024-03-05T09:11:53.564-06:00ContemplationsLauren S.http://www.blogger.com/profile/13889805435766149419noreply@blogger.comBlogger271125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6603290983905261928.post-26357939086182981272013-09-22T22:35:00.003-05:002014-02-09T19:45:40.374-06:00To-do:To do list after constant do to list. Never ending cycle of accomplish this and check that off. The ceaseless marry-go-round of tasks that are forever repeating and never content: brush your teeth, shower, go get groceries, do the dishes, go to work, pay the bills, exercise. The relentless tasks of daily life. I suppose they can be viewed as relentless and tedious or joyous opportunities to experience the beautiful details of life. Depends on what kind of a day you're having I suppose. <br />
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Today, my day is one of tedium and tasks, to-do's and get-er-dones. I wish it were not always so, and it isn't-always, but all too often the tedium and dailyness of life overwhelms the possibility for beautiful moments and savored seconds of time we shall never have returned to us. Sad truth, but truth nonetheless. Tasks are tasks, to do's must get done, and showering is not optional--although flexible in its frequency. Life is relentless, period. The reality of having to brush my teeth every morning--if I'm being good--and make a lunch for myself every night won't change. So, what will? Perspective perhaps. Attitude. I suppose so, but if I'm honest--tonight, I just don't want to brush my teeth. So, sue me.<br />
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And then there's the constant nagging sense that you're behind. Say I do decide to brush my teeth--that's only one thing on a long list of "to-do's." I still have to try and wash the car, get groceries, clean the house, appease all feelings of friendship negligence via various coffee dates--and that's if I'm being productive. I won't even tangent onto the whole "productive" strain, that could take all day. And if writing becomes another to-do, I have nothing redeemable left. So, I will leave thoughts unfinished, a task undone and attempt to not feel like I've dropped the ball on life by not finishing this post... Lauren S.http://www.blogger.com/profile/13889805435766149419noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6603290983905261928.post-9046075278826211262013-07-09T15:04:00.001-05:002013-07-09T16:47:39.273-05:00Hipster: alternative, or is it? Hipster. The word probably evokes very specific images in your head, as it does in mine. It might include any of the following: over-sized plastic eyewear, cut-off jean shorts and tank tops with converse tennis shoes (if you're a dude) and high waisted pants paired with blouses your grandma would have worn (if you're a chick) all coupled with copious amounts of colorful tattoos, usually spilling out of said cut-off jean shorts and grandma's blouse. There's the vintages purses and backpacks that can only be found at your local good will or thrift store. And then there's always the shoes: Keds, Vans, Toms, or some other variety of shoe that by seeming requirement are horrible for your feet. And if you're a chick your jewelry can't have been made within the decade to count as cool. Vintage. Oh, and don't forget mustaches. If you're a dude and ever hope to be a legit hipster, you've got to sport the 'stache. What else am I missing...<br />
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As a hipster you must own at least one Mac product, even if it's a first generation ipod. You must also spend excessive amounts of time at your local--and it must be local--coffee shop. Starbucks is just too mainstream. Duh. <br />
You must recycle, own at least one re-usable grocery bag, and in general consider yourself "green." And if you're legit you commute to work on your bike, but you're really legit if work at your local coffee shop and commute there on your bike. Total hipster points. <br />
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If you're reading this, you know exactly what I'm talking about, you see it everywhere. To the point where you wonder if "hipsters" are really as alternative as their entire culture claims to be. That's the irony about alternative lifestyles and thought processes, eventually, they become mainstream. Isn't it ironic? And no, I'm not quoting alanis morissette, although I'd be totally hipster if I was. <br />
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So, how does a philosophy or lifestyle that began as so "alternative" become so utterly cliche? I mean, despite my wanna-be hipster status (my students refer to me as the "white hipster teacher") I have become somewhat irritated by the whole movement and image. I recall being in Austin recently during a popular music festival-alternative music of course-and being pretty turned off to the plethora of hipsters that inundated the streets and venues. Too many tattoos, too many mustaches, too many plastic-rimmed glasses and in general just too many people trying desperately to be different, but in reality looking and acting much the same. <br />
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Perhaps it's cynicism that causes me to be so critical, and even hypocritical, but it's also just pure observation and curiosity. I imagine that every alternative movement or philosophy began this way, and then sadly and slowly shifted into mainstream. I mean it wasn't always cool to not shower and be a hippie, but now, in some circles, would be considered just being "green." Isn't it ironic? No, I'm afraid it's not. Lauren S.http://www.blogger.com/profile/13889805435766149419noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6603290983905261928.post-64195077378075674852012-07-27T14:50:00.000-05:002012-07-27T14:53:12.268-05:00The irony of the expectantIt's sadly ironic how entitled we are as people, especially as believers. Whether we would admit it or not, we believe we are entitled--entitled to a good life, to health, maybe a spouse, a home, wholeness, happiness. And the sadder side of this entitlement is that we think we can do something to get these things, or we have done something to deserve them. When truly, nothing could be further from the Gospel truth: we deserve <i>nothing</i> and can do nothing to garner favor or a good life, and have done nothing to deserve them should we be blessed enough to have them. Where then do we get off thinking number one that we deserve a life of goodness and number two where did we ever imagine that it had anything to do with our own efforts or stellar qualities that would qualify us for such blessedness? <br />
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I'm sure much of it has to do with our rewards-based society where everything is founded on performance: do this, get that. It's how we're programmed to process and proceed through life. But, it's an unfortunate paradigm that has carried over into our Christian-thinking. It has become subtly laced into our theology, permeating our thoughts and thus influencing our actions. It's the idea that "serve and obey God and He will bless me." As I said, it's subtle and not altogether incorrect; however, egregiously wrong when it comes to how we relate to our Father. It's very much like the elder brother in the parable of the prodigal son. The elder brother didn't truly love the Father, but wanted the Father's "things"--ironically just like his wayward younger brother; however, the elder brother tried to gain these blessings by <i>doing what was right.</i> It's a heart issue. He didn't want to please his father because he loved his father, he wanted to please his father so his father would bless him. How often do we treat the relationship with our Father the same way? <br />
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"God, I will serve you, if you bless me with ________." As I said earlier, whether or not we would admit that this is the true posture of our hearts, I'm afraid that all too often it is. I can sadly admit this for myself. All too frequently I know my wretched heart wants God's blessings more than I simply desire my Father for Himself. And if I'm honest I'm not entirely sure how to break--or rather be broken--of this gross mentality. I think it all comes down to Grace--all of it does. <br />
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Grace that reveals our need for God. Grace that causes us to realize we not only don't deserve salvation, but we deserve nothing else besides (i.e. health happiness). And Grace that ultimately frees us from ourselves and our own depravity, thus allowing for freedom (again by Grace) that we might walk humbly before our God. <br />
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Paul was right: "For by <i>grace</i> you have been saved through faith. And this is not of your own doing; it is a gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast." In other words, we have zero grounds for these notions of entitlement. We got nothing. And the moment we do is the moment the cross ceases to have significance. <br />
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Now, for the Grace to fully comprehend and be changed by this life-altering truth.Lauren S.http://www.blogger.com/profile/13889805435766149419noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6603290983905261928.post-1283491287545781372012-07-22T22:31:00.001-05:002012-07-22T22:31:06.494-05:00Hope"Hope is the thing with feathers <br />
That perches in the soul, <br />
And sings the tune without the words, <br />
And never stops at all." <br />
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-Emily DickinsonLauren S.http://www.blogger.com/profile/13889805435766149419noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6603290983905261928.post-11474869513408501732012-07-22T20:39:00.000-05:002012-07-23T22:44:39.956-05:00The desert placeI can remember in former days when my burdens were light enough that I could unload them on a confidant, take a nap, or have a good cry and they were out, gone, sufficiently processed. No longer. It would seem that with age not only comes more responsibility, but bigger and heavier burdens. Is this revelation part of spiritual growth? Or simply an inevitable part of growing older and finding life is simply harder than you thought? Perhaps both. <br />
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Either way, there are growing pains, and I'll be straight--I wish I could skip it--this whole growing up thing, both actually and spiritually. But, I can't, and I know I truly don't wish to. Everyone must grow up, I just wish it didn't have to be so hard. Yet, I know there is no growth without opposition. No refinement without trial. <br />
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James, the author of the epistle affirms this when he writes, "Count it <i>pure</i> joy my brothers when you encounter trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." (1:1-4) There's a purpose behind all of it--our growth and ultimate completeness in Christ. <br />
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It's learning to trust Him in the trial that's hardest. Knowing and trusting that there is purpose in the pain. Scripture says God disciplines those He loves, just like a father disciplines his children, so our heavenly Father disciplines us. And if I'm a child of the King I know I must go through the desert. <br />
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I don't like the desert. I wish there was a different way, but it's His way. His way is through the wilderness. He takes us into the desert to minister to us: to strip us of all comforts, of all things that keep us from Him alone, to refine, to test our hearts, to produce steadfastness. The desert is unfortunately necessary. And sometimes the desert lasts a long time, but we must remember James' words: "Count it <i>pure</i> joy my brothers whenever you meet various trials..." <br />
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Inasmuch as I might ponder going back to when my burdens were lighter, or my trials were fewer, or when deserts were gardens--I would never go back to knowing my Lord less. As the Psalmist said, "Why are you downcast, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; <i>for I shall yet praise him, my salvation and my God."</i><br />
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I shall praise Him in the desert place.Lauren S.http://www.blogger.com/profile/13889805435766149419noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6603290983905261928.post-63682340270576829592012-04-20T11:18:00.001-05:002012-06-12T14:24:59.770-05:00"Do not be anxious..."This is a command in Scripture, to not be anxious. But, it's not just a command, it's a command followed by a promise, "...and the peace of God which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." This is the promise. But, what is a promise? According to dictionary.com it's "a declaration that something <i>will</i> or will not be done" or "an express assurance on which expectation is based." God <i>promises</i> us peace. It's a declaration that something will be done, an assurance on which something is based. And that something is the command to not be anxious. But, do we believe Him? Or is this simply another nicety that we glaze over in Scripture and placidly ignore? I pray not. <br />
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More of what Scripture has to say about anxiety..<br />
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"Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat, what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on...But seek first the Kingdom of God and his righteousness and all these things will be added to you. Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient is the day is its own trouble."<br />
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Why are we so prone to anxiety? Is it in our nature? Does it originate from the fall, that left us literally crippled by our own insane desire to control, thus leaving us not trusting our God and creator, Lord and sustainer in whom all things hold together? What a sad state...<br />
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BUT<br />
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We don't have to remain in this state. Because He Jesus Christ came and died, saving us from this, our wretched state. "The old has passed away, behold the new has come." That's good news! <br />
Although, the enemy would like us believe we are still bound by that old nature. He is indeed most cunning, seeking those who he might devour. Devour. That's intense. And we mustn't underestimate his evil ways and desires. BUT, we can take heart, because our Lord has overcome the world and has beaten sin and death-including satan and his evil minions. We've won! And we can live like it. We should live like it. <br />
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So, let's start living like sons and daughters of the most high King, ruler and sustainer of the universe, giver and taker of life, crusher of death, the Great I AM. He who has commanded us with a promise: "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything my prayer and petition with thanksgiving make your requests known to God and the peace of God which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." This is our assurance. <br />
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Let's start believing Him. And living like the redeemed, not like those who have no hope.Lauren S.http://www.blogger.com/profile/13889805435766149419noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6603290983905261928.post-30741560671412158892012-03-22T10:34:00.000-05:002012-03-22T10:34:36.108-05:00Batter my Heart<i>Batter my heart, three-person'd God, for you<br />
As yet but knock, breathe, shine, and seek to mend;<br />
That I may rise and stand, o'erthrow me, and bend<br />
Your force to break, blow, burn, and make me new.<br />
I, like an usurp'd town to'another due,<br />
Labor to'admit you, but oh, to no end;<br />
Reason, your viceroy in me, me should defend,<br />
But is captiv'd, and proves weak or untrue.<br />
Yet dearly'I love you, and would be lov'd fain,<br />
But am betroth'd unto your enemy;<br />
Divorce me,'untie or break that knot again,<br />
Take me to you, imprison me, for I,<br />
Except you'enthrall me, never shall be free,<br />
Nor ever chaste, except you ravish me.</i><br />
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-John DonneLauren S.http://www.blogger.com/profile/13889805435766149419noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6603290983905261928.post-43610576826305671442012-02-29T11:51:00.004-06:002012-02-29T12:24:13.762-06:00Reaching forwardHow I wish one could see into the future. It would make the present so much easier. But, than again maybe not? I think we all assume if we knew the plan the process would be less painful, but in all reality it might in fact make the present & the process impossible to endure because all we would do is strain towards the future (or run away from it) and not truly abide in the present. The present is necessary, the process of growth, pain, trials, etc. Without that, without now, without the process there is no future. Not revelatory, but true. I still wish I knew the plan, the future, what was "to be" but I can't see it, I can't know it, and all I have is now, the present, and my current process. Sometimes I get frustrated with the present as it seems to constrain and confine me, but if I am exerting all of my energy simply grasping for what is yet to be, I will miss out on what is here and now. And I don't want to miss anything. So, I guess the "then" will be "now" eventually, and all I can really do is keep walking, and try not to run ahead...Lauren S.http://www.blogger.com/profile/13889805435766149419noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6603290983905261928.post-41078241804785535192012-01-31T17:41:00.011-06:002012-01-31T17:47:53.014-06:00Daily-nessLife is starting to feel like what I always feared, daily. It's quite routine, mundane, same. Yet, I know there is beauty to be found in the seemingly unbroken rhythm, but some days I have to look a lot harder to find it. Like today. <br />
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Wake up, begrudgingly. Rub the sleep out of my eyes. Attempt to muster the strength to engage in some type of quiet time, & try not to fall asleep. Wash, but only if necessary. Dress, always the same clothes, just in a different order. Hurry downstairs, because I'm always late. Eat breakfast, a must. Drive to work. Call Dad on the way, always. Work. Kids. Work. Read. Pretend to work. Kids leave. Go home. Nap, if I'm lucky. Or I simply waste time. Prepare dinner, eat dinner, clean up from dinner. Throw in a dinner date occasionally. Maybe a phone date, read perhaps. Push-ups if I'm being ambitious. Bed, and always too late for not having done much. Repeat. <br />
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Daily-ness.<br />
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This isn't always the routine, but mostly and definitely as of late. I think it makes it worse that I'm severely lacking in vision at present, asking the "what am I doing with my life" question on the weekly if not daily basis. Sigh. <br />
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Life is beautiful, truly. Sometimes filled with pain and confusion, but also filled with joy and laughter, just all within the confines of daily-ness.<br />
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I think this is what I feared most before graduating, the daily-ness of life. I feared that it would consume me, overtake me, kill all dreams and ambitions. And currently, I feel like that's what it's doing, if I'm honest. But, there are many things jumbled up in this season that contribute to the general malaise. This is just one facet of many.<br />
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But, I am realizing this is one of the very real challenges of "adult life." Daily-ness. Learning to live within the confines of life, work, routine etc. I suppose my personal challenge is to learn to function well within these confines, or perhaps to break out of the confines altogether. But, I wonder anymore if that's truly possible...Lauren S.http://www.blogger.com/profile/13889805435766149419noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6603290983905261928.post-52478264708426332612012-01-19T11:16:00.002-06:002012-01-19T11:58:29.278-06:00To do or not to doThat is the question. At least the one that seems to plague my mind on a regular basis. I feel often caught in my life between the throes of action and inaction, both small scale and large scale, mental and actual. <br />
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Do I eat that donut? Do I not eat the donut? Do I go for a run? Do I not go for a run? Do I sit still or get up and do something with myself? <br />
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Small scale.<br />
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Am I making the best use of every moment? Every Day? My Life? <br />
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Large scale. <br />
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On the one hand life is just life, pedestrian, day to day, and the small decisions of "do I eat that donut?" are not terribly monumental in the grand scheme of the universe, but on the other hand the small decisions make up the day to day and define, to an extent, the kind of life you live. So, life is just life, but is it? <br />
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The sad irony is that this perpetual naval gazing, as my father calls it--the incessant self-analysis--is the very thing that keeps me from truly living full and free. I get so bent upon continually evaluating my progression of self that I often miss the point... <br />
My siblings call it the paralysis of analysis. I can become so consumed with my own process that I almost forget the whole point of the process. <br />
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Self-awareness gone bad.<br />
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There is definite benefit to being self-aware, but there are also dangers, as evidenced here. I'm not honestly sure how to cease this constant self-analysis, but I suppose I could start by trying to take the advice of a Mr. Bob Newhart...<br />
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"Stop it!"Lauren S.http://www.blogger.com/profile/13889805435766149419noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6603290983905261928.post-87522804414307627082012-01-16T13:30:00.002-06:002012-01-16T13:55:04.014-06:00Another day another yearI thought 25 would feel more monumental, but truly it feels like just another day, maybe even less exciting than the average. This is like the last milestone before 40. Alright, maybe 30. I mean I can rent a car now. Whoop. But, I suppose I'm truly not too saddened by the realization that I have little else to "look forward to" age-wise. I'm coming to understand that life is just life. Not that there aren't things to look forward and revel in, but life is truly what we make of it.<br />
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We could choose to bemoan the passage of time and years, the diminishing rate of opportunity and the passing potential of life. In this we could opt for the position of the pessimist. <br />
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Or...<br />
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We could to choose to embrace all that lies ahead, the pregnant potential of now. Choosing to ignore all that is behind and pressing on to what lies ahead. Embracing the beauty of the right now. Because we're not promised tomorrow. We could choose to be the optimist and live for today. <br />
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So, two questions stand before me: shall I choose the optimist or the pessimist and what shall I choose to make of this year...? <br />
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I suppose we shall see, won't we.Lauren S.http://www.blogger.com/profile/13889805435766149419noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6603290983905261928.post-75046378802780862722012-01-06T13:26:00.005-06:002012-01-08T22:00:06.447-06:00You know you're getting old when...I think you know you're getting old when you listen to talk radio not because your parents have it on in the kitchen, but because you turned it on. When you cry during a musical, and not because it was boring. When you hear yourself telling people younger than you, "I remember when I was your age..." When you choose to stay home on a Friday night because you want to. When you start getting jury summons. When you opt out of a cup of coffee late at night because you know it'll keep you up. When you start investigating wrinkle creams. Or when you no longer think your parents are crazy, all the time...<br />
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So, does this mean I'm getting old?Lauren S.http://www.blogger.com/profile/13889805435766149419noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6603290983905261928.post-26888151015871626612011-12-18T16:08:00.002-06:002011-12-18T16:11:09.186-06:00Yet another "what am I doing with my life" days...I ask myself this question often, "what am I doing with my life?" And I don't often have an answer. Every few weeks to every month or so I have a crisis of self, lamenting my current state of affairs and wonder madly if I am making the most of my life and resources, talents and abilities. And I'm not always sure of my answer. It just feels like there is always something "more." As if I'm only just missing that great epiphany which would illuminate all things hidden and uncertain. But, is that simply an ever-elusive, incessant thought that at its root is truly discontentment? Or is it a necessary fire lit to propel and compel me in a direction? <br />
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There seems a never-ending battle with discontentment in my life, good and bad. Discontentment isn't always negative, but the space between healthy and unhealthy discontentment is small and a precarious balance between sanity and insanity in my head. It seems when I feel I have "arrived" at what I believe is a healthy place and space something occurs to throw me off balance again. I think it's good to be kept on ones toes, regarding where we are and where we're going in life, but it can become exhausting to always be guessing at ones standing on the balance beam of life.<br />
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I think it's one thing to be asking oneself the hard questions and allowing them to provoke healthy introspection, which compels action, but than I think it's another matter to allow these questions to drive one mad and prevent any sort of peace or rest. Back to balance and that healthy place. I think one can live in that healthy place, still asking those hard questions, but remembering ultimately that you're not the one keeping your balance anyway. <br />
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Which sounds fabulous, but my question remains: "what am I doing with my life...?"Lauren S.http://www.blogger.com/profile/13889805435766149419noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6603290983905261928.post-60071436984454030732011-12-16T15:59:00.002-06:002011-12-16T16:03:58.424-06:00Can't skip breakfastIt doesn't matter when your day starts, you can't skip breakfast. Whether you rise at 5:30 a.m. or at 1:00 p.m breakfast signals the start of everyday. It's the cornerstone, dietarily speaking. If you skip it you will throw off the great cosmos of the universe. Or just cause you to suffer from hunger pains till lunch. Either way, breakfast is, in my opinion, essential to starting ones day right. <br />
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You begin with the coffee. Pick your favorite mug, this is very important, pour & add sugar or cream as desired. The coffee accompanies the rest. Eggs are a must, any style, but my current favorite is sunny side up on a piece of buttered toast smothered with pico de gallo. Delicious. Oh, and you always need fruit of some genre. <br />
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It's essential to savor each step. You can't rush these things. Sip your coffee while watching the eggs frying in the pan. Toast the toast. Butter toast. Flip eggs. Sip coffee. Repeat. <br />
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Once complete, sit and savor. Read the newspaper, Bible, or favorite blog. Or just sit & eat & be. <br />
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You may think this seemingly inconsequential meal is optional, but you're wrong my friends and I strongly encourage an exploration of the beauties that are a breakfast savored. Give it a go. You may never go back to cold cereal or God forbid no breakfast at all. *Shutters.Lauren S.http://www.blogger.com/profile/13889805435766149419noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6603290983905261928.post-80828954843604110422011-12-12T13:02:00.003-06:002011-12-12T14:39:53.984-06:00Faith"Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen." I say I have faith, but do I really? If this is the definition of faith, I fear I am severely lacking. Faith is a wonderful theoretical notion, but an extremely difficult concept to embody... <br />
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Though, I'm realizing more and more: faith is a gift. I cannot conjure it, foster it, or create it. It is given, gifted if you will. And I must choose it, or not. It is constantly offered, but how often do I take it? Too infrequently. It says in Ephesians, "In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one." It is the only piece of armor said to actually deflect the enemy's attacks. Why would I not choose it daily? Pride? Fear? Both & more. <br />
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So much keeps us from trusting our Lord. <br />
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Ourselves. <br />
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He has given us every reason to believe Him, yet we continue to find every excuse to disbelieve Him. Amazing. He proves Himself ore and ore, yet ore and ore we deny His sufficiency. How?<br />
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The enemy speaks the same lies to us as were spoken in the garden: "Did God really say...?" "Did God actually promise...?" Except now he just masquerades them differently, dresses them up to appear and appeal to our current culture and mindset. But, they're the same lies. They are all calling His trustworthiness into question. Calling Him into question. And we listen.<br />
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But, He is the same yesterday, today, and forever! He never changes. He IS trustworthy. Why then do I struggle to believe Him when He speaks? Because I am weak and frail. Human. <br />
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"Faith is the assurance of things hoped for, and the conviction of things not seen." Faith is believing even when the serpent whispers, "but did He really say...?" and saying back boldly, "yes, He did." It's choosing to stand firm despite all else telling you to doubt. It's believing Him when He says,"I shall never leave you and I shall never forsake you." It's believing Him. <br />
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That's faith.Lauren S.http://www.blogger.com/profile/13889805435766149419noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6603290983905261928.post-83269316642724786902011-11-30T12:26:00.003-06:002011-11-30T13:03:55.798-06:00PurposeI think I'm beginning to gain a greater sense of purpose in my life; it's been some time in coming and it's still coming. I'm by no means arrived, but I'm at least progressing. I've been greatly struggling with this concept as of late: What is my purpose in life? It seems like quite a daunting concept to determine and pursue ones "purpose in life." Doesn't it? It feels extremely narrow and as if we have one shot at hitting this "purpose" and if we miss it, we're screwed. But, what if we actually do miss it? Well, then I suppose the rest of life is pointless, at least according to this narrow philosophy. I cannot accept it. Although, it has far too long ruled my thinking about life. No longer. <br />
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This is my purpose. Here. Now. What I'm doing right now is my purpose. He is my purpose. People are my purpose. What and who He has in front of me is exactly what I'm suppose to be doing at the present time; that is my purpose. And what I will choose next will be my purpose then. I'm starting to feel freer in my head as I ponder these realities. And also that, I can't really screw up my life; I'm just not that big in the grand scheme of things. And it's rather arrogant to think otherwise. A friend encouraged me recently that we ought to simply step out in faith--regarding our purpose--rather than waiting on a push from God that may never come. That is faith. Trusting & believing that if God is good and our deepest desire is to pursue His will than He is big enough to care for even our smallest decisions. When He is our purpose than little else matters. Blessed relief.Lauren S.http://www.blogger.com/profile/13889805435766149419noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6603290983905261928.post-69722280283621649372011-11-24T16:42:00.010-06:002011-11-24T19:34:50.130-06:00Somewhere in betweenI find myself in an interesting space. It feels a bit like no-mans-land, to borrow a cliché. I'm not sure where I am or quite where I'm going. I lack vision & thus lack direction. I'm not aiming at anything, or going after anything. "Without a vision the people perish," as my mother always says; she's right. Without something to shoot for, what's the point?<br />
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I'm not entirely sure, but I'm trying to figure it out. Up to college graduation there was "a plan," but then came the abyss, the abyss of "post-college life." No one warns you about the abyss, it just appears before you, a black, gapping hole, ready to swallow all poor, unprepared college graduates whole. It hasn't quite swallowed me yet, but it's come pretty close...<br />
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I know many of my peers are also experiencing this same phenomenon, the "not knowing what to do with your life" phenomenon. I suppose it's not really a phenomenon, but rather an inevitable reality. However, the question remains, "what am I doing with my life?" Still no idea. And it's been two years. I feel like I should know, but I don't. <br />
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I desperately desire direction, momentum, forward motion of some kind, yet I'm not sure where to begin. Isn't that always the problem? Where to begin. It's like writer's block and the blank page. Always hardest just to start. I wonder, if I actually get going somewhere, will I like it when I get there? And does it matter? Is it just as important to simply have direction as to have the right direction? I'm such an idealist. Who knows if there is a "right" direction. I mean I think we're all made for specific things and purposes, yet I think it's so much less what do we as how we do it. Goodness, just over-flowing with the clichés today aren't we. <br />
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Altogether, I suppose if I spend too long trying to figure out where I'm going I may never actually go anywhere. I might just stay, staring at the blank page for the rest of my life and never write a darn thing. Perhaps I could start with a little old fashioned brainstorming...Lauren S.http://www.blogger.com/profile/13889805435766149419noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6603290983905261928.post-60137903215495449052011-11-18T17:13:00.004-06:002011-11-18T17:32:07.082-06:00Control...or lack thereofI think everyone wants control of their lives; I know I do. It seems more maddening, however, to realize I can't control other people's lives, which I suppose is really the same thing as wanting to control ones own life. My students for example: I can do nothing to alter their desires, their actions or behaviors, their outcomes--nothing. Unbelievably frustrating reality. When I see potentials, but than see them fail to reach those potentials I feel defeated. Why? I'm not entirely sure. I think it has something to do with me putting myself into their efforts, and feeling like I am thus ineffective when they do not perform as hoped. Ridiculous? Maybe.<br />
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Control is an interesting thing. In reality it evades those who seek it, but this evading causes people to chase it all the more. When we want to control something and don't have it our desire for control of that thing increases, tightening like a noose around an imaginary hold...because control is just that: imaginary. <br />
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Yet, I still want it. Control. Or at least a semblance of it. Contradictory? Definitely. It's just incredibly difficult to relinquish control of a thing you greatly want. But, I'm realizing the more you hold onto a thing, the less you have it...Lauren S.http://www.blogger.com/profile/13889805435766149419noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6603290983905261928.post-60041407330550199912011-11-14T11:22:00.000-06:002011-11-14T11:22:02.889-06:00Avoiding the inevitableI avoid things like the plague, even if they are as simple as brushing my teeth...alright, maybe not that, but I avoid many things, as if they were the death of me. It's like a sick mental block. And the saddest part is that the thing in front of me may not actually be very hard or complicated, but I make it so by putting it off and putting it off, again and again. And with the mounting avoidance comes the inevitable growth of the mental block in my head. Then after so long whatever the thing is becomes so huge and pressing because, small though it might have been originally, has now become a colossal mound, now absolutely necessitated by my avoidance. Why do I do this to myself? It's madness. Sigh. Fine, I guess I'll go brush my teeth...Lauren S.http://www.blogger.com/profile/13889805435766149419noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6603290983905261928.post-17480730885259713232011-11-08T11:29:00.003-06:002011-11-08T11:32:14.131-06:00S.....l....o.......w & p.....a...i...n....f..u.....lEverything in life feels incredibly slow at present, almost painful in its processes. Life, I am discovering is just that--a process--and a slow one. I am also realizing nothing of value comes quickly or without effort. My natural impatience and laziness balks at this reality, yet it's simply true. This is easy to speak (or write in this case), but not so easy live. <br />
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Matt Chandler comments in one of his sermons, "progressive sanctification is horrifically slow." He's right. Emphasis on horrific. I think this truth is just beginning to set in, in earnest in my life. The gospel is actually starting to become real. My sin is becoming more painfully apparent and often overwhelming. And I am realizing that no amount of concerted effort on my part, or "pulling myself up by my bootstraps" will amount to anything when it comes to my sanctification. Whew. And that it's going to take a LONG time. Yikes. <br />
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And waiting on the process of others is just as difficult, if not far more so because I can't control others, I can only control myself, which apparently I can't really do that either. I can't make my kids desire to learn, grow, change, or become better, I can only encourage, prod, love, watch and wait. Wait. Always wait. <br />
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How often must God wait on us? And I'm complaining. Me, who is confined by space and time, complaining to an eternal God that He's being too slow. Absurd. But, true. I can't cause people to respond, move, act, initiate. I must wait. And be patient. With others, and with myself.<br />
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I also cannot make myself do better or "be better." It's a cosmic impossibility. And a maddening reality. Why must the process of personal growth & sanctification be so painfully slow? Why can I not simply realize my shortcomings and find remedy via that understanding? Because knowledge does not equate change. It's part of it, but not all of it. So frustrating. I assume if I "think" about something enough than surely it will become a reality, not true. Sadly. It's just not up to me. When will I realize this? That I cannot change myself. That I cannot sanctify my flesh. Slow & painful.Lauren S.http://www.blogger.com/profile/13889805435766149419noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6603290983905261928.post-9544322824707008642011-11-07T15:03:00.001-06:002011-11-07T15:04:08.712-06:00They are me and I am themI had the revelation recently: I am my students and my students are me. I am discovering that the things which irritate me most about them are my own fatal flaws. Sad truth. But, isn't it always that way? The things that irritate us most about others are in fact our own deepest discrepancies. <br />
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Hopelessly lazy, ditto. <br />
Everything is "too hard," yeah, I get that.<br />
Perfectionists. Yikes, yep. To a fault. <br />
Finding identity in grades, achievement. Hmmm, check. <br />
Just wanting to finish, accomplish, and move on. Mmm hmm. <br />
If something's difficult, too complex, requiring of actual thought, forget it. Whew. <br />
Doing things ones own way. Yep! That's me.<br />
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Each one individually seems to posses at least one quality that, collectively amongst them, makes up all the qualities which summate my greatest shortcomings. Humbling. Perhaps God has so much more to teach me about myself and His character through these kids than I actually have to offer them, which is not much. <br />
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Mini me's are not as fun as one might imagine...Lauren S.http://www.blogger.com/profile/13889805435766149419noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6603290983905261928.post-54332398379020300342011-11-05T18:19:00.002-05:002011-11-05T18:29:56.810-05:00Hipster: the new mainstreamIt is my observation that the current "hipster" trend, an alleged counter-culture movement is in fact it's own version of mainstream. Urban dictionary defines hipsters as: <i>"a subculture of men and women typically in their 20's and 30's that value independent thinking, counter-culture, progressive politics, an appreciation of art and indie-rock, creativity, intelligence, and witty banter."</i> The last bit is great: "witty banter." However, the portion of the definition that pertains to my thesis is that of <i>counter-culture.</i> My thesis is by no means original or earth-shattering, but I think it's relevant. I find it amusing, being a wanna-be-hipster myself, the lack of originality that I see amongst my "hipster" peers, who's intent is the very opposite of conformity, yet have attained just that. Myself included. <br />
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The next part of the Urban dictionary definition goes like this: "<i>Hipsters reject the culturally-ignorant attitudes of mainstream consumers, and are often seen wearing vintage and thrift store inspired fashions, tight-fitting jeans, old-school sneakers, and sometimes thick rimmed glasses."</i> As I sit in Starbucks blogging away on my MacBook, my iphone & a moleskin journal at my side, sporting a flannel shirt and wearing a pair of skinny jeans, I sadly conform to the stereotypical image of "hipster," or so I believe. And my favorite part is the girl sitting across from me who's wearing and doing essentially the same thing, MacBook, flannel shirt, skinny jeans, moleskin and all, except she's got her "hipster" glasses on; I left mine at home today in favor of the contacts. Thus, I help prove my own thesis, sad isn't it? <br />
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Again, these observations are not revelatory, but they are, I believe, relevant concepts and ones which I've been stewing over for some time. The more "hipsters" I hang around, the more I realize we are all stereotypically stereotypical, and we like it! But, than again, this shouldn't astound me. It resonates with the very fiber of what it means to be human--to want to belong. i.e. A group. It's the same with any select group or subculture; it's a place to belong, to find identity. I do believe such groups, or subcultures begin as a reaction to what a specific group considers "mainstream;" however, over time, coupled with growing popularity and appeal that same group or subculture inevitably becomes it's own version of mainstream. It happened with the hippies and it's happening with the hipsters. Beware all hipsters: you're not as original as you thought. And neither am I. <br />
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I purport that the valuable, core principles of a movement can remain intact despite growing popular appeal and general conformity, but if such principles are to be retained there must be some smaller culture within the subculture itself that remembers and lives what those values are. I may not be a real hipster, per say, but I hope I can aspire, at least somewhat, to the principle that just because everyone else is doing it doesn't mean I have to do it too...oh wait, I already did. So much for counter-culture.Lauren S.http://www.blogger.com/profile/13889805435766149419noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6603290983905261928.post-30921327911437861122011-11-03T10:42:00.002-05:002014-02-09T20:40:54.961-06:00Caring...It's a beautiful thing, watching my students learn. It's the best part of a day when I seem them actively engaging with subject matter, being curious about a topic, asking hard questions, helping each other understand a concept, and in general <i>learning.</i> The moment one asks a question that spurs another question that spawns a whole discussion about Communism during WWII, which leads to a conversation about the nature of sin in the world. Those are the best moments. Those are the moments that make it all worth it. They make all of the exhausting pulling and prodding and pleading seem worth it. It can be exhausting trying to make them <i>want</i> to learn. But, I've realized as of late, I can't. I can't make want to learn; I can't make them care. BUT, I can always be here to encourage both and try to care when they don't, and foster an environment of learning when they could care less. I think that's my job. To care. If nothing else, I can care...Lauren S.http://www.blogger.com/profile/13889805435766149419noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6603290983905261928.post-33877911478556501492011-10-07T17:25:00.007-05:002011-10-08T12:50:07.390-05:00Solitude and choicesI'm in a lonely season, a solitary season. And I don't love it. I don't hate it, but I don't love it, and most days I want to run far far away. But, I can't. I'm just here and I have a feeling I'll be here awhile. It's good, I know. There are things I must learn as I sit in the stillness, but if I'm honest, on days like today, I don't care about learning lessons, I just don't want to be lonely anymore... <br />
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But, I'm learning that even loneliness is a choice, to a degree. Everything is a choice. We cannot control where we, or how long we're there, but we can control how we choose to act & react in that space. I may not be able to control the fact that I feel lonely right now or control how long I will be in this season of solitude, but I do have the power to choose how I will respond to these things...<br />
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So, the question is: how will I choose?Lauren S.http://www.blogger.com/profile/13889805435766149419noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6603290983905261928.post-44933464275174360472011-10-01T12:47:00.000-05:002011-10-01T12:47:24.356-05:00Just call me the resident expert...My job is a unique one, in that I wear a lot of hats, and they are constantly changing. I could be called on at any moment of any day to answer any question, ranging from the periodic table, to algebraic equations, to the uses of relative pronouns, to how to determine the volume of an irregular object, to explaining the nature of sin and the gospel. I think I'm going to start referring to myself as the "resident expert," although I'm discovering I'm not an expert of much, besides royally flying by the seat of my pants...Lauren S.http://www.blogger.com/profile/13889805435766149419noreply@blogger.com0