Sunday, May 25, 2008
Modern Christendom and Church
I am truly struggling with church at present. I have not quite formulated why, but I simply have not been able to take church seriously, as of late. I do not believe I enter church every Sunday with a cynical mindset; however, almost instantly I shut down. I am in a sever period of questioning (alright, perhaps not "sever," but still...) Many questions arise in my mind, such as--why do we worship as we do? It feels like forced, uncomfortable choir practice, with no emotion or spirit of worship or adoration. We stand and sit mechanically, at the ushering of our worship pastor who leads us through hymns of monotony. Clapping occurs only when initiated by the worship leader and seems unenthusiastic and artificial. "Fellowship time" feels awkward and equally forced. I had to leave the sanitary during the service today in an attempt to quell my cynicism. Why was I responding this way? During the period of prayer and reflection I could not even pray--I felt it was almost a matter of principle--foolish perhaps, but legitimate. If God is not present, worshipped, learned from in church--why go? I am learning that I despise boxes and the pressure of fitting into specific categories--I loath it in fact. I believe my response to being forced into a box that dictates how I worship God causes me to revile it. The odd thing is that I have never before felt this revulsion. I think in many facets of my life I am pushing to break the boxes and resist generalities norms. This is perhaps a dangerous place, but I do not fear it, in fact I rejoice in the process. I desire discernment simultaneously, and do not want to climb to high atop my self-righteous pedestal of enlightenment, but rather question, seek and find wisdom, ultimately. I think church and I may need a break from each other--at least for now. I need to know--why?