The stillness

Life feels very quiet at the moment, very solitary, very still. It's an unusual season for me. In fact, I'm not sure if I've had one quite like it, ever. I think it's good for me. Although, I don't know if I would have picked it by choice...

Most people who know me well know I'm a socialite. I'm always with people, doing things, being busy. I can't remember the last time I haven't been busy, till now. Hence, the unusualness about this time and this season for me. Prior to this season I would be out doing something every night of the week, maybe bar one. I think I made a point of it too, whether consciously or unconsciously. It was like being with people had come to characterize me; it was who I am. Or it was who I was? Still discerning. Perhaps this season will help tell.

It has been quite interesting to watch myself walk through these recent days of not going anywhere after work, not meeting up with anyone to have a coffee or dinner date; I've barely even talked on the phone with my closet friends. And the oddest part of it all--I kind of like it.

I believe the Lord is using this unique time to teach me about a deep fear I didn't know I possessed: loneliness. He revealed this to me very recently, and it was quite an intense revelation. I don't think I grasped how much of my constant of going, and people, and business was directly related to this deeply rooted fear. It's not a fear of being alone, it's fear of loneliness; they're different. I'm still learning about how this fear manifests itself in my life, but I deeply desire to understand...

I must acknowledge here how I understand and embrace fully that I am wired just as I am for a beautiful and specific purpose-"I am fearfully and wonderfully made"-and that is to love and be with people. But, I also fully acknowledge the natural evils that can accompany any natural gifting when abused or misused, especially when allowed to spring from fear or lies. And the reality is, I didn't even realize the depth to which I was abusing this gifting in myself. It has taken this time to understand how much of myself, my energy, and my identity I was placing in my busy, social, people-oriented nature. I still don't think I fully know the extent, but I'm beginning to see, and desire a change.

I love people, this will never change, but I think I must re-examine my relationships, and my reasons for relationships, and in general indulge at least a brief hiatus from my constant pursuit of people. Because often and truly, it's a self-inflicted wound. I pursue, I set up dates, I call, I initiate. Because I love people. But, then I become "people tired," and it's too late to un-do the pattern, or so it seems. Maybe this is mercy, on the part of God in my life, to allow me to relearn my pattern, to learn to say no, to be still, to be alone-and learn to not fear it so. As much as I'm uncomfortable in this space, I know it's mercy. Now, the question remains, will I choose to embrace it fully, or no?