Being...or trying to.

It's amazing how much I struggle to simply do nothing. Even my best "nothing" times, I still measure on some level of productivity; that's so sad. I mean, I think many people struggle with this notion of "nothing" or of "being;" I know I'm not terribly unique in this regard, but that doesn't change that it's still my struggle. I'm not completely sure how to break this mind-set or engrained way of...doing. It feels terribly inherent and virtually inescapable. But, I cannot believe this. I can do it, but it will take effort, and time. For me, I am finding, it has to be incredibly intentional to do nothing, as strange as that sounds. I have to force myself to slip out of my usual "product" oriented mindset and remind my brain that it's ok to not do for the sake of doing, but rather be for the sake of being. I hope this will eventually become more instinctual and less intentional, but I have to start somewhere if I wish to change. And I do.

I think this new season of my life is a gift in which I am to learn this skill, if you want to call it a skill. But, I have a choice, I am realizing. Like today, for example. It was an empty Saturday, for all intents and purposes and I could have done anything. I almost went to the farmer's market, but ended up staying in bed and then getting up and doing yoga. Then, I had an invitation to have lunch out with friends, I decided to stay in and make crepes and read my Bible instead. I almost went and saw another friend in the afternoon, but chose to clean the kitchen and do laundry instead. And besides some feelingly obligatory cleaning, the day has been fairly blissful and free of the normally, ever-present constraint of feeling the need to be productive. But, it's had to be intentional, all day. There were numerous times when I felt the creeping pressure to go "do," but I had to resist it. It's a choice.

I think it's less the simply "being" and not "doing," but more being ok with not "doing" and just "being." It's being comfortable and content in that space. This will take time for me I know, but I truly want to learn to live in that space rather than the space I'm used to living; it feels so much freer. And I want to be free, in many more senses than just this. But, it can start here...