It's strange, not really having much of an agenda at the moment. I have time. I don't think I remember the last time I had time. And I'm not quite sure what to do with it if I'm honest, not quite sure what to do with myself. I don't remember what it's like to not strive after a thing, it causes me to wonder if I should be striving after something I just don't know about. It's like I'm waiting for someone to sneak up behind and say, "Hah! Sucker!"
I feel almost guilty for having the luxury to even ponder these things. Shouldn't I be stressed over some deadline or exhausted from having no time to rest? Instead, I have time: time to take naps, time to write, time to pluck my eyebrows, time to dust my furniture (who has time for that?), time to read, time to think, time to think about thinking. Crazy. But, I feel rather awkward in this space if I'm honest, this space of learning what it means to just "be." I've needed desperately to learn this for some time, maybe this is the time...
I need to learn to slow down, to stop, to not always feel the pressure to "go go go" all the time. I've never learned this, only talked about learning it. And who knows, my agenda-less status could change next week, knowing me, but for now I'm going to do my best to simply revel, revel in "being." And I'm also going to do my best not to feel guilty about it either.
Gosh darn it.
No comments:
Post a Comment