Monday, April 4, 2011

What do I want to be when I grow up?

This is a daunting question, mostly because I have no idea. But, does anyone? I'm starting to think not. Yet, I still get this panicked feeling that everyone else really does have it figured out and I'm somehow screwed or more simply, just behind. I hate that feeling.

I have many passions, dreams, desires, yet all of these things feel so amorphous when truly faced with the "what do you want to be when you grow up" question. And said desires feel even more naked when faced with the sheerness of life and its realities. What will you do? Where will you go? And my favorite--How will you support yourself? Daunting. But, I suppose only has daunting as I allow it to be...

I am the type of person who cares far less about what I'm doing, or even where I'm doing it and far more so about who I'm doing it with. This is mostly true, in that I do care about what I do and where I do it--I'm not simply an amoeba responding to stimuli. However, I do value above all else people in the midst of experience. I find I can like much and tolerate much if the relationships I'm engaged in through the process are worth it. It's always come down to people for me, relationships. And I battle with this in myself.

There are two types of people--well, there are many types of people, but for the sake of this illustration, I shall restrict myself to only two. There is the type of person who forms their lives, plans, pursuits, etc. separate from the impeding factor of others, more or less. And then there is the type of person whose life forms itself in and around the lives of others. The second perhaps is like a chameleon, that person adapts and adjusts to its surroundings and mainly, the people in those surroundings.

Uncomfortably for me on some level, I think I'm the chameleon. I have always seemed to simply adapt myself to the people I'm around, more or less. Not entirely of course, I'm still me, but I'm me along with a whole bunch of other impacting forces. It makes me wonder, who am I really? And along with this theme, what do I really want? I'm not sure I've truly considered this question yet. Or, maybe I'm just getting to the point where I can really ask it. I'm not sure. But, I want to start figuring this out. And maybe in the end I still won't know the answer to the, "what do you want to be when you grow up" question, but I hope to at least start figuring. We can only move forward with what we have right now.

So, let's start moving.

No comments: