Thursday, April 14, 2011


I feel like I am always performing, always. For someone. And I don't even always know who. Sometimes it's someone, sometimes it's no one. But, I feel like I'm somehow always performing for an invisible, ever-present audience. Always.

And couched within this is the constant desire to please, impress, project, perform. But, for who? I'm still working on that. But, frankly, I'm sick of it and greatly want to be free.

It's exhausting.

I'm so tired of trying to impress "someone." Yet, the irony--there are many--is that most of the time I know I'm performing, I'm conscience of it, and I even attempt within myself to not do it, but even within this there is a strange double layered form of acting.

It's sad.

It's like when you try so hard to be sincere that you end up being fake, and often without even intending to. This is a possible trap. Especially for performance prone individuals like myself. Because I will say, I'm not fake, I aim always towards sincerity, and I do care, very much in fact, and I don't wish to act, but sometimes all of my good intentions get bundled up and confounded in my strange attempt to please, impress, project, and perform.

Perhaps I should try some new acting classes. Or, maybe I should try a new career path altogether, because I don't think I'm very fond of this performer's lifestyle.

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