Embarrassed. Exposed. Wretched.
That's how I feel.
I suck at loving. I am discovering that I tend to love those that are easy to love, but even the pagans do this. I am drawn to what draws me. I seem to love when it doesn't cost me much, and usually and most often when it benefits myself. I love what loves me in return. I seem to love when it's easy, not so much when it's hard.
I am a wretched creature.
I am human.
But I am not ok with this status quo. I know in Christ there is no condemnation, and such realizations should only bring about a desire for growth and sanctification, but in my current state I am drawn to despair and frustration with myself. These are the kind of sickeningly painful epiphanies of self that one would rather ignore,
But I can't.