Vida

What makes life bearable? Manageable? Livable? Many things--but, for me, it's people. People make life worth living. Good or bad, individuals give value and meaning to my existence. My existence is ultimately to seek after and Glorify my Father, and I feel I do that predominately through my relationships with people. I am fascinated by people. I will never fully understand them, but I hope to spend my life attempting to learn more. I love people. I have been hurt by many, but I do not think I will ever cease to open myself up to the possibility, because with that comes the possibility not only for hurt, but for beautiful things that would not be possible without the other. It's worth it.

I had an incredible conversation tonight with an old, but good friend. We talked of transitions, ideals, hopes, dreams, passions, futures, jobs, and the like. It was utterly refreshing and stimulating: the kind of conversation you live for, the kind of conversation that rekindle the buried ideals of your heart. And it reminded me of one reason I love people--they inspire me. We talked a great deal about the fact that life is what you make it, what you bring to it, what you take away from it, etc. and I realized afresh--it's the damn truth. I can bemoan life eternally and miss it, or I can face it, embrace and ask my Father what He wants it to be. It's all about what you make it...

Resolutions

The resolve of humanity is weak. Or at least mine is. It seems that we are always making resolutions: new year's resolutions, resolutions to spend more time learning a foreign language, resolving to consume fewer calories and exercise more frequently, and on the whole, resolutions to be a better person. Yet, it also seems that people in general, me specifically, lack the gumption required to stick to said resolutions. And it's maddening. Is it weakness? Or simply laziness? Or is it something else altogether? I have yet to decide.

We all suffer from thwarted resolutions, whether by our own hand or by unforeseen outside forces. What does it take for resolutions to be pursued and actually maintained? Is it inevitable that our resolutions will fail? Or rather, has it become so customary that we expect nothing less, so our resolves begin frail and insipid? I feel positive outside forces are required. Accountability or incentive seems necessary for the weakness that is inherent in the resolve of humanity, or perhaps simply in my resolve...

The breaking dawn...

If only we could keep the euphoric feelings that come on the wings of a dawn. Mornings bring the cliche, "new beginning," or "fresh start," or whatever it is you want to call it, but it is most profound. Upon first waking, there is the realization that whatever happened the previous day, whether good or bad, is past and what stretches before you is completely void of yesterday. We are not bound by our past, but rather set free by the endless possibilities of our future. It's a wonderful feeling. The concept that anything is possible within a new day--that is freedom enough to put the despair of yesterday at bay, if only for a time..."today is a new day."

Change

It is inevitable. It can be counted on. It is the only constant in the universe. We cannot escape it. It is change. I loath it, almost universally, but I am beginning to change my tune, if you will. If I learn to accept the inevitability of change, perhaps life will be less scary, less ridden with anxiety. I resist change so adamantly because of the comfort that accompanies the familiar. Everyone loves comfort, sameness, consistency, yet it cannot be had--at least not for long. We live in a universe where things are constantly changing, altering, growing; it is the nature of life. It is then contrary to nature to resist change, to put-at-bay the inevitable of existence. The uncertainness of change should bring excitement and anticipation of something different. The unknown. That is why I fear change. I have no ability to control what I cannot see or do not understand. I can control the known, the familiar. But, ultimately that is a false sense of control, because if the only constant in the universe is change, than I am continually functioning beneath a delusion. The crux of the issue is control. Change is being out of control. But, perhaps that's not so bad after all...

Fact or Fiction?

Society inundates and immerses its members in fiction. We are engulfed in continual non-reality. Media: movies, books, television, magazines, internet--all fantasy. It's not a wonder that the majority of humanity is perpetually discontent. We are somehow always striving towards an ideal, a standard that simply doesn't exist. Yet, we are so deeply entrenched in this non-reality, that we cannot understand why life is not "like in the movies." We want a life that only exists in the pages of our favorite novel, and we are continually disappointed when we discover that our own reality does not fit the ideal of our fictional worlds. Why is my husband not Mr. Darcy? Why don't I have Brad Pitt's body? Even if they are not these inane questions, but instead a deep-settled and unspoken unhappiness with reality, they exemplify the condition of society. I believe this obsession with fiction and disbelief in fact arise from the current culture. We are so surrounded by fiction and fantasy that our own realities seem dull in comparison. So what will we choose? Fact or fiction?

What's your major?

Have you ever noticed in casual conversation that people will often refer to their college major, and do so in the present tense. Like if someone, upon mentioning some obscure philosopher and receiving an odd look, will comment in response, "I'm a philosophy major." And this someone could potentially be a forty-year old woman who owns a coffee shop and is as far removed from higher education as twenty years and an espresso could make her; however, she remains forever a philosophy major. And I find this. Despite my recent graduation, I still find myself being referred to or referring to myself as an "English major." I wonder if it's an identity crisis. I believe so. It seems somehow one of the most singular things that defines a person in their lives. And it cannot be taken a way. Once an English major, always an English major, right? I hope so. Understanding that it doesn't define, but describes a person. Listen closely in your next conversation regarding economics or religion and just see if you don't find perhaps an economics or religion "major" in the bunch. It's interesting to discern what humanity clings to for identity's sake. Just listen.

Crutch or Coping mechanism?

Confined. Restricted. Penned-in. Or am I? I feel constrained by my own constraints. I create them, yet simultaneously resent them. My sister has a particular dislike for personality tests, as well as the importance I place on them. I find it fascinating--the categorization of individual behavior, which ironically aligns perfectly with my personality. In the world of the Myer's Briggs personality types, I am an ESFJ. The portion of my personality which is, I believe, my distinguishing, yet most frustrating factor is the J. It stands for Judging. But, not in the traditional sense of judging--rather it insinuates that a J personality tends to function within the context of expectations or pre-conceived notions about life. As well, a J processes things in a very linear fashion. Unlike my best friend, who is a P (perceiver), I cannot make the distant or random connections in my brain that she can. I see black and white, while she sees grey. I frustrates me often, how I process and engage with the world. And I am not sure if it is because I am a J that I have latched on so heavily to this notion of my personality and am confined by it, or if it is that I am confined by it because I'm a J? Which came first, the chicken or the egg? I'm not sure if we'll ever know. But, it is maddening to watch myself through my own eyes and not really be able to alter my own neuroticism. Am I simply using my personality as a crutch for my bizarre behavior? Or rather, does it simply help me cope with the bizarreness? I'm not sure. I've run out of categories in my mind, I shall resume this ranting later...