Agreements

Agreements. We enter into them constantly, and many without our consent or knowledge. But, the type of agreement I am referring to is not with an earthly being, but rather with the prince and power of the air. Satan. Our enemy. He is cunning and constant in his deceptions. And we are sadly all too often deceived.

Agreements are two-sided. There is the one who proposes the agreement and the one who accepts it. And in this case, there is one--Satan--who proposes the agreement, and us, who accept the terms of the agreement. But, the key to understand is that it requires consent. We are not bound except by ourselves.

There are thousands upon thousands of agreements that we enter into daily with our enemy...

"Everyone else is happy because they are in relationship, and I am not because I am alone."

"I married the wrong person."

"I am unhappy because I don't have ______"

"Life is unjust because _______"

The list goes on, and on, and on. It's disheartening to realize how many I have myself agreed to, and still agree to, without evening knowing it...

First, we must identity what "our agreements" are. Second, we need to meet with the Lord and ask Him to break these agreements and free us from ourselves. Because, truly, we keep ourselves bound by these faulty agreements, and we can't even see it.

Free me Lord...

........

I feel extremely flat lately, almost apathetic. Life just is, and I very much dislike it. One of my youth girls told me this morning, "I just feel lukewarm." That's a great way of putting it-life simply feels tepid. Icky. I would want to spit me out too.

God, I know I am attempting to learn what it means to "be still," but is that what this is? Or have I missed it entirely and have instead happened into a stage of sheer lethargy? I hope not the latter. I know I am terribly uncomfortable with "non-productivity" and that stillness is a very foreign concept to me, but I don't know what the balance is between letting go, yet remaining intentional. What's the difference?

Teach me to be still. Teach me to abide. But, please teach me also to never stop seeking your face. And show me that balance, I pray...

The Plains

We often refer to the peaks and valleys of our lives, metaphorically speaking, when describing the ups and downs of our existence, yet we don't often discuss the plains-the steady, unbroken plains.

The plains are neither thrilling nor devastating.

They are in no way extreme.

They simply are.

Life is very daily, and I am just learning how much. This new revelation is somewhat discouraging for a person of extremes, like myself. But, if I don't grapple with the reality of the plains now, I think I will only discover discontentment and spend too much of my energy chasing after the extremes, ultimately finding they are truly not as satisfying or sustaining as the contentment that's to be found along the plains of existence. It's easy to live in extremes, I find. But, it's more of a challenge, I believe, to live with intentionality amidst a fairly unchanging day-to-day.

Balance is always more difficult than imbalance.

I can't say I enjoy the plains, if I'm honest, but I hope I can learn from living here what it means to live well everywhere: peak, valley, or plain. It's not about where you are, but what you do with where you are. Contentment. Now, I have to figure out what that actually looks like. That could take awhile...

Community

What does true, Biblical community look like? And is it even possible in our very disjointed modern age? I feel as if I was much more enthused in terms of communal living while in college--in an ideal community--but having since emerged into the "real world" I am less enthused and sadly more skeptical. I don't know if it's possible. And I hate that I'm even saying that. I haven't lost the vision entirely, because I do believe we are called to live in Biblical community; however, it seems less plausible now that I see and experience the disparate nature of modern, adult life. It would have to be so intentional, so deliberate. And it would require not only a huge alteration of thought, but more importantly a genuine conviction and transformation of the heart. We can speak of ideals and noble notions all day long, but unless the Holy Spirit moves us to action, all efforts are void and vain, I'm afraid. But, the idea or ideal of Biblical community truly appeals to the very basic parts of me. I long for the kind of community I believe God intended for His church. But, have we lost the capacity for it...? To be continued.

Epiphanies Cont.

So, more epiphanies...

Epiphany 4: I find and have always placed my value of self in others rather than in self, me. It makes sense why the opinions of others have always weighed so heavily in my estimations of self. I invest so much in people, and apparently so much of myself in people that I have become indistinguishable from others thoughts and affections towards me. If these things waiver, so do my feelings and confidences in myself. It's fascinating, and tragic really.

I am a bit in distress in light of this revelation. One, because I don't know exactly how to break free from this position of thinking. And two, because it seems so much of who I am, that I fear the undoing process. But, it must occur.

I believe the key, in so many of these struggles, is contentment. And as the good book says, "ask and you will receive; seek and you will find." Perhaps I should begin asking for contentment. And to quote a wise woman I know, "what a phenomenal idea." Ask I shall.

Epiphanies

Epiphanies. I am having many of them as of late, and it's kind of overwhelming. The relentlessness of life combined with constant new findings about oneself feels like a lot some days, many days.

Epiphany 1: I"m pretty sure I'm ADD. How I never knew this before, I have no idea. It's so painfully obvious and explains SO much about who I am and how I function. Amazing. Duh.

Epiphany 2: I apparently find my confidence and sense of self in others and not in myself or in God my Maker, basic, but unbelievably core. And very much in need of remedy. This one is far more serious and needs some serious priority of thought and action, which brings me to my next epiphany...

Epiphany 3: I have no ability to prioritize (which could indirectly or directly be affected by my "new-foud" ADD-ness)...

But, truly, I had no idea until very recently how much I truly struggle to simply prioritize daily tasks and necessary obligations. When I make "to-do" lists, everything on that list holds, in my mind, equal weight and priority. For example, taking care of my student loans, getting a hair cut and attending to work projects all exist on a level playing field of importance in my head.

Terrible.

How did I not know some of these things earlier...? I suppose growing is indeed a constant process, but it sure is exhausting sometimes. Sigh.

Weary

I am weary, comprehensively weary. It's a weariness that transcends the physical, and penetrates deep down to ones spirit. It's the kind of weary that isn't remedied by a good night's rest or even a good cry, in fact it's the type of weariness that is only intensified by such activities, depending.

On another weary note: I am weary of throwing my affections at anything that will accept them. It's exhausting and miserably dissatisfying. I know what I need, and what I don't. Yet, I persist in pursuing some of the very things I know I don't need and don't want, yet are better than nothing. That's terrible, I know, but at least it's honest. Sigh.

Matthew 11:28
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."