The madness

The world is madness. School is madness. I love it, yet loath it simultaneously. I am at my best and my worst during these mad months of study and full life. How is this at all like real life? It's not, but it is. We are learning--learning to live, learning to live together, expanding our minds and growing up in the process. It is amazing to watch each other grow. It is amazing to watch yourself grow. But, oftentimes, as I grow and acquire more responsibility, I realize I am simply waiting for someone to find me out. Eventually the world will discover that I am just one big fraud. Adults, whatever that term means, feel similarly--or at least those I have discoursed with upon the subject. I have been told that this feeling of being a "fraud" lasts your whole life, we must, however, become better and more efficient at faking it. "Make it to fake it" as they say--whoever "they" are. Perhaps that is my best option--fake it. The madness will continue as life progresses and growing up cannot be stopped, and I must learn how to bear it all and somehow become an adult--no, screw it--I will grow old, but who says I have to grow up? Society--screw society and convention.

The Facade

I am exhausted. I loath the front I don depending on the situation. I hate "being that person," whoever she is, that I am required to be--or rather feel I am required to be, depending on who I am around at the time. I feel as if I am playing a part, faking a role--always. Eventually they, and I'm not sure who "they" are, but eventually "they" will find me out and realize I'm one big fake--pretending to be something I am not. Who am I really? Where is the she that is me? Is she lost amidst the various persona's which I display on a regular basis. Is she struggling from split personality disorder or lack of exposure to the sun? Who knows. Social situations call for such things--right? We prattle on with our small talk, not really concerned about the question we just posed, or the person, but rather worried about the meeting we have later that day. We smile and feign laughter, pretending to care about the story being told. I'm sorry, am I being cynical? Forgive my honesty. People do care, I care, but humanity cannot care to the extent we let on--it is too exhausting. I know it's polite to express interest in all of those with whom you interact; it's a good social skill, but it's dishonest. I cannot truly decide which is more worthwhile: feigning interest or being honest? I just know I am reaching a breaking point, and sadly I have only just begun the process required of me. It cannot be maintained. But, a compromise must be had because I cannot be a total ass to my fellow human beings, but I owe it to myself and to everyone else to be honest with myself and them--I just don't care that much--or rather, I care enough not to pretend any longer...better? No, but honest. I feel as if I try so hard to care about everyone that I end up being fake with the world. Which is better?

Expectations and attitudes

Expectations can ruin life. We enter situations with preconceived notions and understandings, only to come out disappointed, at least I do. I always have expectations--despite adamantly attempting to avoid them--and I am always disappointed. These lofty expectations, because they are always lofty, raise me up to the heights of anticipation and generally plummet me into the depths of despair, with equal weight and gravity. Accompanying these feelings of expectancy, are specific attitudes, which are directly related to the aforesaid expectations. I hate, rather I despise that I allow the delicate balance of my psyche to be determined by circumstances. It's maddening. I am not determined by my circumstances (this is self-medicated jargon). Yet, I cannot seem to escape the expectations that affect my mood, which result from my circumstances. "Life is a choice," a phrase which I have often heard quoted and misused, but it is truth. It is a choice to develop expectations, although I am beginning to disagree with this more and more based upon personality differences. But, it IS a choice how one chooses to respond to said expectations, which results in a certain attitude and outlook about life. I am not my circumstances and I CAN choose not to be controlled by them...easier said than done. Solution--don't have expectations--no. Solution--learn to react to said expectations according to reality--yes.

The Embrace

It is the most difficult thing in the world, it seems to me, to fully embrace where and who one is in life--holistically speaking. This idea is somewhat a compilation of the "the grass is always greener" notion and the "what if" philosophy. It is not only about not coveting, but rather loving and fully embracing who and where we are--who and what I am. My God how easy it is for us to question our purpose, our course, our decisions..."what if this?" "why not that?" "WHAT IF?" I feel as if I have been asking myself this question often as of late--why is my life not_______? I find myself second guessing my life severely in these periods. It forces me to look deep within myself and evaluate who I am becoming and whether or not I am happy with that person. Often, I come back dissatisfied. Who is this person I am becoming? And do I like her? What if...? Just when I feel as if I have convinced myself that I am who I am--and no one else--I begin to slip back into the depths of doubt. What if I had made different choices? What if I had pursued different passions? What if I had cultivated different skills? What if...? The infinite "what if" will drive me mad. I cannot live this way, rather I must--must--seek to fully embrace who and what I am...damn it.

Generalities

I hate them. I loath them. These things called generalities force, shove and push people and things into predetermined positions of horrifying uniformity. I am not saying generalities do not exist, but they are overused and abused. We prescribe boxes for everything and place people inside them for safe keeping. Generalizations leave no room for uniqueness or unpredictability, but rather ubiquitous sameness; they are like smothering blankets or stifling fumes. Humanity has taken general truths and run pell-mell. For example: women are more relational and men are more technical. Thus, at a given lunch outing, the women confine themselves to one side of the table and discuss "relational things," while the men sit across mulling over the opposing "technical jargon." Why is this so? Is it that women are incapable of conversing on all things "male" or "technical," or conversely do men not understand "relational" issues? No, neither claims are true, in my opinion. Generalities have created this false dichotomy. Yes, generally speaking, women are more relational and men are more technically inclined, but again the divide forces a false assignment of roles. I realize that human beings fit and function best within the confines of generalizations which are neat and tidy, clean and orderly, but life is not so, thus I say--shall we defy generalities...?

Transience

This is a very transient period of life: these college years, these twenties, these years of continual change and growth, fluctuation of place and people--always progressing--or are we? Or, are we simply experiencing an acute period of forward motion, in which we mature and come into ourselves, but then abruptly stop when we all-of-a-sudden "grow up." I wonder...because right now, at this point, and from this perspective in my life, I can see only change, only new adventures and only every wanting just that. I can imagine nothing worse, at present, than a steady eight to five job, a car payment, maybe a mortgage and God forbid--adult responsibilities. I want to change the world, I want to travel, I want adventure, change, unpredictable living. My friend David told me the other day, "I want a mortgage. I'm tired of my twenties..." He wants all of the things which I cannot imagine desiring. When will the time come that this dynamic period of life ceases to be? Or will it cease to be? I realize adult responsibilities and changing the world are not mutually exclusive, but I must believe life does not end upon entering the real world. I was told the other day that "we all grow older, but we do not necessarily all have to grow up." I agree with this sentiment...

The Sad Disillusionment of Reality...

A Knight disrobed
Stands exposed

The truth undeniable
Is indelibly imposed
And weighs unbearable
Upon the soul...

The shiny new cast
Is now tarnished with
Whispers from past

The world around
This Knight revolves
And spins and pounds
The souls involved...