Saturday, August 23, 2008
I am exhausted. I loath the front I don depending on the situation. I hate "being that person," whoever she is, that I am required to be--or rather feel I am required to be, depending on who I am around at the time. I feel as if I am playing a part, faking a role--always. Eventually they, and I'm not sure who "they" are, but eventually "they" will find me out and realize I'm one big fake--pretending to be something I am not. Who am I really? Where is the she that is me? Is she lost amidst the various persona's which I display on a regular basis. Is she struggling from split personality disorder or lack of exposure to the sun? Who knows. Social situations call for such things--right? We prattle on with our small talk, not really concerned about the question we just posed, or the person, but rather worried about the meeting we have later that day. We smile and feign laughter, pretending to care about the story being told. I'm sorry, am I being cynical? Forgive my honesty. People do care, I care, but humanity cannot care to the extent we let on--it is too exhausting. I know it's polite to express interest in all of those with whom you interact; it's a good social skill, but it's dishonest. I cannot truly decide which is more worthwhile: feigning interest or being honest? I just know I am reaching a breaking point, and sadly I have only just begun the process required of me. It cannot be maintained. But, a compromise must be had because I cannot be a total ass to my fellow human beings, but I owe it to myself and to everyone else to be honest with myself and them--I just don't care that much--or rather, I care enough not to pretend any longer...better? No, but honest. I feel as if I try so hard to care about everyone that I end up being fake with the world. Which is better?