Agenda-less-ish

It's strange, not really having much of an agenda at the moment. I have time. I don't think I remember the last time I had time. And I'm not quite sure what to do with it if I'm honest, not quite sure what to do with myself. I don't remember what it's like to not strive after a thing, it causes me to wonder if I should be striving after something I just don't know about. It's like I'm waiting for someone to sneak up behind and say, "Hah! Sucker!"

I feel almost guilty for having the luxury to even ponder these things. Shouldn't I be stressed over some deadline or exhausted from having no time to rest? Instead, I have time: time to take naps, time to write, time to pluck my eyebrows, time to dust my furniture (who has time for that?), time to read, time to think, time to think about thinking. Crazy. But, I feel rather awkward in this space if I'm honest, this space of learning what it means to just "be." I've needed desperately to learn this for some time, maybe this is the time...

I need to learn to slow down, to stop, to not always feel the pressure to "go go go" all the time. I've never learned this, only talked about learning it. And who knows, my agenda-less status could change next week, knowing me, but for now I'm going to do my best to simply revel, revel in "being." And I'm also going to do my best not to feel guilty about it either.

Gosh darn it.

A teacher...of sorts.

I am a teacher, of sorts. I have students, but I don't teach them, exactly; I help them learn; I encourage them to focus; I make sure they get their work done. I am more of a facilitator really, but that title just isn't quite as appealing as "teacher, of sorts." At least, I don't think so. I want to be a teacher, and I guess you could say I'm a teacher in training, of sorts. But, we all must start somewhere, and this is where I'm starting, as far as teaching is concerned. I know I have a long way to go and many many things to learn. In some ways I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing or how best to help, encourage, etc. My best comfort is that I'm only a teacher "of sorts" at the moment; I have time. However, I don't want to waste any time getting going. This could take awhile, and as we all know: Rome wasn't built in a day...

Real & False Selves

"If we take our vulnerable shell to be our true identity, if we think our mask is our true face, we will protect it with fabrications even at the cost of violating our own truth. This seems to be the collective endeavor of society: the more busily men dedicate themselves to it, the more certainly it becomes a collective illusion, until in the end we have the enormous, obsessive, uncontrollable dynamic of fabrications designed to protect mere fictitious identities--'selves,' that is to say, regarded as objects. Selves that can stand back and see themselves having fun (an illusion which reassures them that they are real).

-Thomas Merton

Exhausting the inexhaustible

It's tough. Pouring into people. It's my heartbeat, and it's where I feel I am deeply gifted-in connecting with people-yet it is where I struggle the most to balance myself. I don't say this with arrogance, but I feel I am needed by many, and in that there is a heavy weight and responsibility. A feeling and fear of, if I don't pour into this person, who will? Or the insecurity that if I don't reach out to this person, no one will. It's an issue of trust, an issue of faith; I know this. But, I struggle. I struggle to believe that the responsibility does not lie solely with me. I said it, but do I believe it? I'm not sure. How to I strike a balance between acknowledging and pursuing my gifting, but also releasing my tight hold on something that's not mine to begin with? He knows how He made me, better than I. What then God am I to do?

My father refers to it as the "angelic fantasy." Namely that I, and people like me, live under the illusion that we have infinite energy, time, and resources to expend. But, we don't. We are finite and fragile. I cannot pour into everyone that is placed in my path, and if I try I will inevitably damage those already existing relationships as well as those new and fledgling relationships I am trying to form. It's like exhausting an inexhaustible resource, eventually the resource will be exhausted and be of no use to anyone. I will be of no use to anyone. By trying to be utterly authentic and connected with so many I may ultimately become fake and forced with everyone. A tragic reality for a heart like mine. But, a necessary revelation.

I don't think it means I cannot pour into people, or that I can't be authentic or attempt to be authentic with those whom I interact with daily, but perhaps realizing that my energies are better spent quantifying my already existing relationships and choosing wisely the people I pursue. But, this is still tough. I want every person I meet and know to feel as special as the next person. This seems impossible when put into words, and a bit absurd. But, it's my heart. I want everyone to feel loved, appreciated, special, and understood. And I feel I can do that for many people. But, if I'm honest it's rather exhausting. How then do I reconcile? Am I to deny myself and who I am and my gifting, or rather am I to learn to stem it and focus it? Still not sure. But, wrestling to know. This is not a new struggle, but an old one newly thought through. I deeply desire some kind of reconciliation in myself regarding this matter.

Lord, I don't think I am meant to live splintered and spread thin, but I know you have gifted me thus, how then would you have me live? I beg you to show me...

The new & the old

I struggle sometimes with how I'm made and how I function. I'm an adapter. As well, I'm a compartmentalizer. Both good, but equally negative qualities. I can adapt to almost anything and be relatively happy.

I do this with friendships. I can get along with almost anyone and find something to love and appreciate in nearly everyone I meet. This is both good and bad. On the one hand, I'm very open and accepting, loving and non-partial, but on the other hand I put people in compartments & deal with them accordingly, depending on where I am in life.

A friend told me once that everyone could be my best friend, based on how openly I engage with people, but it would just depend upon who I was spending the most time with at that moment in my life. This was somewhat difficult to process, partially because there was truth in what she said. Am I that non-descriminatory?

I have experienced many great communities of people thus far in my life and have known many wonderful individuals, but I feel like I'm a drifter in these communities, these entities. I can easily flit into any community and get along, make friends and feel connected, but then I often flit away again based on either circumstance or necessity. I can seemingly fit in anywhere, which is great, but things never seem to stick long term. And this is ironically all I desire-long term.

I thought for certain my college community would be my life-long community of friends-everyone else from JBU seems to have remained unbelievably close. Or, I was certain the friendships from Slovakia or my summer at War Eagle or perhaps even high school, or the community I formed when I first moved back to San Antonio. Maybe now, maybe the community I have now is it...

But, it really is a little disheartening, but should it be? Is the fact that I can easily adapt negative, or has it simply played out negatively as far as longevity goes for a community. I'm not sure. But, this is a topic I'm not through exploring.

A tire

I bought someone a tire yesterday. Seems like a simple thing to do, but it was profound and filled with the fragrance of the Divine. It was mercy. It was grace. It was humility. To be allowed and be a vessel for the Divine was something I cannot explain. I felt unworthy. I felt humbled. I felt unspeakably grateful. And the gratitude I was met with I knew didn't go to me, but went to Him and His mercies in allowing such a collision of His wills. The mingling of these emotions points only to Him. He created the need and He allowed the provision.

Thanks. Praise.

He provides of His children, of this I am confidant.

I pray this is only the first of many tires.

"Are you my Mother?"

Do you remember the book we read as kids? The one in which a small, lost bird is looking for it's mother, and asks everyone and everything along its journey, "are you my mother?"

I think this is often how we go about looking for a mate. We proceed through life, meeting people, wondering in our heads, "are you the one?" It can be a maddening pursuit. Because it never ceases and is always self-driven. And it consumes. The incessant question is pushed by self and society. It's exhausting. The question of who shall be our mates, at this stage of life, feels a most pinnacle issue, if not at times the issue.

It's the questions you get asked during family reunions or at weddings: "So, are you dating anyone." And if you are dating someone: "Are you two engaged?" Why is this of primary importance? Is this what determines a 20-somethings worth or standard of progression in the adult world? I hope not, because if so, I'm failing.

Is life not more than our choice of a mate? Is our life not more certainly bound up in eternity, in which none shall neither be married nor given in marriage? And where we shall be consumed forever in the celebration of the all greater marriage feast of the Lamb?

I absolutely acknowledge the earthly importance of marriage and of hoping for the partner God has for you, yet I also confess a concern for the disproportionate importance that seems to be placed upon this earthly union and the focus it takes off of why the union was created to begin with. It was intended for our enjoyment and pleasure, yes, but more deeply and more importantly it was intended to be a mirror of the churches's union with the Father and an earthly means of glorifying better the God we serve. Is not this the purpose?

Please, do not misunderstand me, I deeply desire a mate, and eventually marriage, centered around a pursuit of Christ and His Kingdom; however, I think our Christian culture-myself included-have adopted too fully secular norms and standards, and it seems the true intent for marriage has been lost in the pursuit. I believe we are going about seeking this whole thing in entirely the wrong vein and fashion...

And much of the problem lies in the very word "seek." We ought not seek out that which is meant to be given & gifted to us, and in the best and perfect timing of a God who knows better and best what we need-even if we might think otherwise. This extends to another and separate topic-wating on God-however, the point is valid here nonetheless.

I myself am weary of many & many seasons of asking the cultural, 20-somethings equivalent of "are you my mother." I suppose I can keep on asking it and keep on anxiously wondering, or I could release and repose this burden upon a God who knows intimately the desires and secret petitions of my heart...

I choose this.