Monday, July 18, 2011

Exhausting the inexhaustible

It's tough. Pouring into people. It's my heartbeat, and it's where I feel I am deeply gifted-in connecting with people-yet it is where I struggle the most to balance myself. I don't say this with arrogance, but I feel I am needed by many, and in that there is a heavy weight and responsibility. A feeling and fear of, if I don't pour into this person, who will? Or the insecurity that if I don't reach out to this person, no one will. It's an issue of trust, an issue of faith; I know this. But, I struggle. I struggle to believe that the responsibility does not lie solely with me. I said it, but do I believe it? I'm not sure. How to I strike a balance between acknowledging and pursuing my gifting, but also releasing my tight hold on something that's not mine to begin with? He knows how He made me, better than I. What then God am I to do?

My father refers to it as the "angelic fantasy." Namely that I, and people like me, live under the illusion that we have infinite energy, time, and resources to expend. But, we don't. We are finite and fragile. I cannot pour into everyone that is placed in my path, and if I try I will inevitably damage those already existing relationships as well as those new and fledgling relationships I am trying to form. It's like exhausting an inexhaustible resource, eventually the resource will be exhausted and be of no use to anyone. I will be of no use to anyone. By trying to be utterly authentic and connected with so many I may ultimately become fake and forced with everyone. A tragic reality for a heart like mine. But, a necessary revelation.

I don't think it means I cannot pour into people, or that I can't be authentic or attempt to be authentic with those whom I interact with daily, but perhaps realizing that my energies are better spent quantifying my already existing relationships and choosing wisely the people I pursue. But, this is still tough. I want every person I meet and know to feel as special as the next person. This seems impossible when put into words, and a bit absurd. But, it's my heart. I want everyone to feel loved, appreciated, special, and understood. And I feel I can do that for many people. But, if I'm honest it's rather exhausting. How then do I reconcile? Am I to deny myself and who I am and my gifting, or rather am I to learn to stem it and focus it? Still not sure. But, wrestling to know. This is not a new struggle, but an old one newly thought through. I deeply desire some kind of reconciliation in myself regarding this matter.

Lord, I don't think I am meant to live splintered and spread thin, but I know you have gifted me thus, how then would you have me live? I beg you to show me...

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