Singularity

Singularity. It's an interesting thing, and a new thing, which I have not experienced much in my life. It was kind of scary at first, but it's gaining thrill as I progress further into this unknown world of learning to be alone with myself-and more importantly-learning to be ok with it. It's a phenomenon, for me, to be certain. Ask anyone who knows me. I suck at being alone.

I am a very communal person. I thrive on inter-personal relationships, as do most people, but for me it boarders on dependence. And I didn't know this until recently. I thought it was normal to depend on people-and it is-but not to the extent I am, or rather, was apt to do.

It's like learning to walk for the first time, or rather, like learning to walk again for the first time. I am having to re-learn how to relate to people. It's strange, and kind of painful, but unbelievably necessary. I have to be ok with just me.

It's been interesting to walk through the mental rewiring of my own brain. It's like a constant back and forth conversation and debate in my head. Because I am so apt to rely on people for much of my security and most of my decision-making processes, I am forced to mentally spar with my former tendencies and my new-found knowledge, which is that I don't "need" people to be ok. It's indeed a process.

I have to continually remind myself that I don't need to ask someone's opinion regarding what decision I should make in a given situation, or that I don't need to have someone to accompany me to a social event, or that it's ok to go a whole day and not hear from anyone, or that I don't need the attention of any of the male species to feel valued or wanted. I'm fine with just me. This will be my mantra.

There is much more which could be plumbed on this topic, but I will end here for the time being.

Did curiosity really kill the cat...?

I want to understand, everything. I am an extremely curious individual, and I find the world a fascinating place. I am like that obnoxious two-year old who is always asking, "why? why? why?" about everything.

I want to know why asparagus makes your pee smell funny. I want to know why 6 million Jews were killed during the Holocaust. I want to know why we drive on the right side of the rode. And is it even the "right" side? I want to know about the nature of belief. What is faith? Why are some people successful and others end up homeless? What is success in any case and who defines it? Is there a man in the moon? And what's his name? Why...? And what?

I want to know everything, everything I can.

And I am realizing how much I desire to pursue and befriend people who share this quality. I want to know people who are never content knowing what they know. As I myself desire to be ever growing and changing, knowing and understanding more and greater, I desire to surround myself with people who desire the same. I want to be pushed and I hope to push.

There is too much to know and understand; it's never ending. So, we as people can't ever stop asking the question,"why?" At least I can't.

The greatness of self

Personal greatness has to be known before it can be affirmed. We, as individuals, have to learn and know the qualities that distinguish us from everyone else, in order to be confident and confirmed in who we are inherently. We cannot believe the good things people say about us if we don't believe such things ourselves. It's a problem of confidence, of belief in self and our own personal greatness. We have to learn ourselves, our faults and our fortes, our weaknesses and our strengths in order to have healthy self-perception and an accurate perception of self-worth and our own personal value. It takes time. Knowing oneself is a life-long process, I am certain, but conversely coming into a certain confidence of self must happen before so much else can occur. We must be able to recognize and embrace within ourselves the beautiful things that others can so easily see, but we ourselves are apt to ignore or remain blind to. We must learn our own greatness, and in this know ourselves a bit better. Self-discovery: a never-ending process of growth. Bring it on.

Arriving.

Will we ever arrive? Recently, I have had the feeling that the answer is no. But, what does it even mean to arrive? In my head it's some kind of final step, a solidification, a maturation, a settling of self. But, does this ever truly happen? Are we not always maturing, always growing, always changing? Yes and no, I suppose. We are in one sense always growing, and forever will be, but in another sense we have to arrive: we must arrive at ourselves, and be comfortable and confident with what we find. We have to be comfortable walking around in our own skin, naked and everything. The process of growing is painful, and terribly slow, but beautiful. It's like constantly be stripped of self. The pealing back of layers upon layers of who we think we are--getting deeper and deeper beneath our self-created shells, revealing more and more of who we really are, or who we are intended to be.

And I'm not sure if I'm there yet. So, I guess I indeed haven't "arrived" in the second sense of the word. That's both discouraging and encouraging. Discouraging, because it feels like there's a long, weary road of grudging growth ahead, but encouraging because I have the choice--the choice to view that road as a beautiful journey and a process that I know I wouldn't miss for anything. I guess in the end it all comes down to perspective, and choice. Yes, it's painful, and a process, but it's all part of it really. All of it. And since I can't skip it, and wouldn't even if I could, I might has well embrace it. Because after all, who doesn't want to be comfortable naked...