Saturday, January 29, 2011


Singularity. It's an interesting thing, and a new thing, which I have not experienced much in my life. It was kind of scary at first, but it's gaining thrill as I progress further into this unknown world of learning to be alone with myself-and more importantly-learning to be ok with it. It's a phenomenon, for me, to be certain. Ask anyone who knows me. I suck at being alone.

I am a very communal person. I thrive on inter-personal relationships, as do most people, but for me it boarders on dependence. And I didn't know this until recently. I thought it was normal to depend on people-and it is-but not to the extent I am, or rather, was apt to do.

It's like learning to walk for the first time, or rather, like learning to walk again for the first time. I am having to re-learn how to relate to people. It's strange, and kind of painful, but unbelievably necessary. I have to be ok with just me.

It's been interesting to walk through the mental rewiring of my own brain. It's like a constant back and forth conversation and debate in my head. Because I am so apt to rely on people for much of my security and most of my decision-making processes, I am forced to mentally spar with my former tendencies and my new-found knowledge, which is that I don't "need" people to be ok. It's indeed a process.

I have to continually remind myself that I don't need to ask someone's opinion regarding what decision I should make in a given situation, or that I don't need to have someone to accompany me to a social event, or that it's ok to go a whole day and not hear from anyone, or that I don't need the attention of any of the male species to feel valued or wanted. I'm fine with just me. This will be my mantra.

There is much more which could be plumbed on this topic, but I will end here for the time being.

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