Daily-ness

Life is starting to feel like what I always feared, daily. It's quite routine, mundane, same. Yet, I know there is beauty to be found in the seemingly unbroken rhythm, but some days I have to look a lot harder to find it. Like today.

Wake up, begrudgingly. Rub the sleep out of my eyes. Attempt to muster the strength to engage in some type of quiet time, & try not to fall asleep. Wash, but only if necessary. Dress, always the same clothes, just in a different order. Hurry downstairs, because I'm always late. Eat breakfast, a must. Drive to work. Call Dad on the way, always. Work. Kids. Work. Read. Pretend to work. Kids leave. Go home. Nap, if I'm lucky. Or I simply waste time. Prepare dinner, eat dinner, clean up from dinner. Throw in a dinner date occasionally. Maybe a phone date, read perhaps. Push-ups if I'm being ambitious. Bed, and always too late for not having done much. Repeat.

Daily-ness.

This isn't always the routine, but mostly and definitely as of late. I think it makes it worse that I'm severely lacking in vision at present, asking the "what am I doing with my life" question on the weekly if not daily basis. Sigh.

Life is beautiful, truly. Sometimes filled with pain and confusion, but also filled with joy and laughter, just all within the confines of daily-ness.

I think this is what I feared most before graduating, the daily-ness of life. I feared that it would consume me, overtake me, kill all dreams and ambitions. And currently, I feel like that's what it's doing, if I'm honest. But, there are many things jumbled up in this season that contribute to the general malaise. This is just one facet of many.

But, I am realizing this is one of the very real challenges of "adult life." Daily-ness. Learning to live within the confines of life, work, routine etc. I suppose my personal challenge is to learn to function well within these confines, or perhaps to break out of the confines altogether. But, I wonder anymore if that's truly possible...

To do or not to do

That is the question. At least the one that seems to plague my mind on a regular basis. I feel often caught in my life between the throes of action and inaction, both small scale and large scale, mental and actual.

Do I eat that donut? Do I not eat the donut? Do I go for a run? Do I not go for a run? Do I sit still or get up and do something with myself?

Small scale.


Am I making the best use of every moment? Every Day? My Life?

Large scale.


On the one hand life is just life, pedestrian, day to day, and the small decisions of "do I eat that donut?" are not terribly monumental in the grand scheme of the universe, but on the other hand the small decisions make up the day to day and define, to an extent, the kind of life you live. So, life is just life, but is it?

The sad irony is that this perpetual naval gazing, as my father calls it--the incessant self-analysis--is the very thing that keeps me from truly living full and free. I get so bent upon continually evaluating my progression of self that I often miss the point...
My siblings call it the paralysis of analysis. I can become so consumed with my own process that I almost forget the whole point of the process.

Self-awareness gone bad.

There is definite benefit to being self-aware, but there are also dangers, as evidenced here. I'm not honestly sure how to cease this constant self-analysis, but I suppose I could start by trying to take the advice of a Mr. Bob Newhart...

"Stop it!"

Another day another year

I thought 25 would feel more monumental, but truly it feels like just another day, maybe even less exciting than the average. This is like the last milestone before 40. Alright, maybe 30. I mean I can rent a car now. Whoop. But, I suppose I'm truly not too saddened by the realization that I have little else to "look forward to" age-wise. I'm coming to understand that life is just life. Not that there aren't things to look forward and revel in, but life is truly what we make of it.

We could choose to bemoan the passage of time and years, the diminishing rate of opportunity and the passing potential of life. In this we could opt for the position of the pessimist.

Or...

We could to choose to embrace all that lies ahead, the pregnant potential of now. Choosing to ignore all that is behind and pressing on to what lies ahead. Embracing the beauty of the right now. Because we're not promised tomorrow. We could choose to be the optimist and live for today.

So, two questions stand before me: shall I choose the optimist or the pessimist and what shall I choose to make of this year...?

I suppose we shall see, won't we.

You know you're getting old when...

I think you know you're getting old when you listen to talk radio not because your parents have it on in the kitchen, but because you turned it on. When you cry during a musical, and not because it was boring. When you hear yourself telling people younger than you, "I remember when I was your age..." When you choose to stay home on a Friday night because you want to. When you start getting jury summons. When you opt out of a cup of coffee late at night because you know it'll keep you up. When you start investigating wrinkle creams. Or when you no longer think your parents are crazy, all the time...

So, does this mean I'm getting old?

Yet another "what am I doing with my life" days...

I ask myself this question often, "what am I doing with my life?" And I don't often have an answer. Every few weeks to every month or so I have a crisis of self, lamenting my current state of affairs and wonder madly if I am making the most of my life and resources, talents and abilities. And I'm not always sure of my answer. It just feels like there is always something "more." As if I'm only just missing that great epiphany which would illuminate all things hidden and uncertain. But, is that simply an ever-elusive, incessant thought that at its root is truly discontentment? Or is it a necessary fire lit to propel and compel me in a direction?

There seems a never-ending battle with discontentment in my life, good and bad. Discontentment isn't always negative, but the space between healthy and unhealthy discontentment is small and a precarious balance between sanity and insanity in my head. It seems when I feel I have "arrived" at what I believe is a healthy place and space something occurs to throw me off balance again. I think it's good to be kept on ones toes, regarding where we are and where we're going in life, but it can become exhausting to always be guessing at ones standing on the balance beam of life.

I think it's one thing to be asking oneself the hard questions and allowing them to provoke healthy introspection, which compels action, but than I think it's another matter to allow these questions to drive one mad and prevent any sort of peace or rest. Back to balance and that healthy place. I think one can live in that healthy place, still asking those hard questions, but remembering ultimately that you're not the one keeping your balance anyway.

Which sounds fabulous, but my question remains: "what am I doing with my life...?"

Can't skip breakfast

It doesn't matter when your day starts, you can't skip breakfast. Whether you rise at 5:30 a.m. or at 1:00 p.m breakfast signals the start of everyday. It's the cornerstone, dietarily speaking. If you skip it you will throw off the great cosmos of the universe. Or just cause you to suffer from hunger pains till lunch. Either way, breakfast is, in my opinion, essential to starting ones day right.


You begin with the coffee. Pick your favorite mug, this is very important, pour & add sugar or cream as desired. The coffee accompanies the rest. Eggs are a must, any style, but my current favorite is sunny side up on a piece of buttered toast smothered with pico de gallo. Delicious. Oh, and you always need fruit of some genre.

It's essential to savor each step. You can't rush these things. Sip your coffee while watching the eggs frying in the pan. Toast the toast. Butter toast. Flip eggs. Sip coffee. Repeat.

Once complete, sit and savor. Read the newspaper, Bible, or favorite blog. Or just sit & eat & be.

You may think this seemingly inconsequential meal is optional, but you're wrong my friends and I strongly encourage an exploration of the beauties that are a breakfast savored. Give it a go. You may never go back to cold cereal or God forbid no breakfast at all. *Shutters.

Faith

"Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen." I say I have faith, but do I really? If this is the definition of faith, I fear I am severely lacking. Faith is a wonderful theoretical notion, but an extremely difficult concept to embody...

Though, I'm realizing more and more: faith is a gift. I cannot conjure it, foster it, or create it. It is given, gifted if you will. And I must choose it, or not. It is constantly offered, but how often do I take it? Too infrequently. It says in Ephesians, "In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one." It is the only piece of armor said to actually deflect the enemy's attacks. Why would I not choose it daily? Pride? Fear? Both & more.

So much keeps us from trusting our Lord.

Ourselves.

He has given us every reason to believe Him, yet we continue to find every excuse to disbelieve Him. Amazing. He proves Himself ore and ore, yet ore and ore we deny His sufficiency. How?

The enemy speaks the same lies to us as were spoken in the garden: "Did God really say...?" "Did God actually promise...?" Except now he just masquerades them differently, dresses them up to appear and appeal to our current culture and mindset. But, they're the same lies. They are all calling His trustworthiness into question. Calling Him into question. And we listen.

But, He is the same yesterday, today, and forever! He never changes. He IS trustworthy. Why then do I struggle to believe Him when He speaks? Because I am weak and frail. Human.

"Faith is the assurance of things hoped for, and the conviction of things not seen." Faith is believing even when the serpent whispers, "but did He really say...?" and saying back boldly, "yes, He did." It's choosing to stand firm despite all else telling you to doubt. It's believing Him when He says,"I shall never leave you and I shall never forsake you." It's believing Him.

That's faith.