Sunday, December 18, 2011

Yet another "what am I doing with my life" days...

I ask myself this question often, "what am I doing with my life?" And I don't often have an answer. Every few weeks to every month or so I have a crisis of self, lamenting my current state of affairs and wonder madly if I am making the most of my life and resources, talents and abilities. And I'm not always sure of my answer. It just feels like there is always something "more." As if I'm only just missing that great epiphany which would illuminate all things hidden and uncertain. But, is that simply an ever-elusive, incessant thought that at its root is truly discontentment? Or is it a necessary fire lit to propel and compel me in a direction?

There seems a never-ending battle with discontentment in my life, good and bad. Discontentment isn't always negative, but the space between healthy and unhealthy discontentment is small and a precarious balance between sanity and insanity in my head. It seems when I feel I have "arrived" at what I believe is a healthy place and space something occurs to throw me off balance again. I think it's good to be kept on ones toes, regarding where we are and where we're going in life, but it can become exhausting to always be guessing at ones standing on the balance beam of life.

I think it's one thing to be asking oneself the hard questions and allowing them to provoke healthy introspection, which compels action, but than I think it's another matter to allow these questions to drive one mad and prevent any sort of peace or rest. Back to balance and that healthy place. I think one can live in that healthy place, still asking those hard questions, but remembering ultimately that you're not the one keeping your balance anyway.

Which sounds fabulous, but my question remains: "what am I doing with my life...?"

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