Wednesday, December 1, 2010

The real. the ideal. and...

I have always prided myself on being an idealist. However, the daily realities of life are beginning to suffocate and swallow whole much of my former idealisms. It's a bit discouraging, if I'm honest. Life, at least presently, is nothing I expected and everything I feared. Life just feels hard. And sadly, it's nowhere close to as hard as it could be, or as hard as it's going to get. Life also feels "realer" than it ever has, whatever than means. And I'm not sure I like real. I think I prefer ideal.

I'm wondering if this is just a season of life, or if this is "the" season of life. In that, this is simply it. Do I need to prepare for perpetual discouragement, at least from my formally idealistic standpoint, or rather do I adjust my overall paradigm of life. I think it's the latter.

Is the ideal over, or was it ever really the ideal? Have I simply been living in an illusion and have now entered into the "real world." Or have I always lived in the real world, but have just lived in a very different version than I do now? Not sure.

Life is also more "adult" now. It's responsibility. Responsibilities change everything. In many senses, I suppose I did live a bit of a "charmed existence." And for all intents and purposes, I still do, it's just a lot realer now. Maybe real is good.

I'm not sure I like adulthood, or "real life" very much But, I suppose there's no going back, is there? I can do nothing but move forward. Life doesn't work in reverse. But, I'm still not sure how I feel about completely abandoning my idealisms. I don't think I can ever fully escape them, they're part of who I am, but now it's how I meld the reality of the "real" with my former notions of the ideal. Although more importantly, it's how I become comfortable with that melding. Because it's both-the real and the ideal.

But, really, it's not about either the real or the ideal, is it? It's about something so much more basic and fundamental. It's about contentment. Truly.

1 comment:

GLB said...

I can completely relate to these same thoughts and feelings. I love your writings Lauren.