Crutch or Coping mechanism?

Confined. Restricted. Penned-in. Or am I? I feel constrained by my own constraints. I create them, yet simultaneously resent them. My sister has a particular dislike for personality tests, as well as the importance I place on them. I find it fascinating--the categorization of individual behavior, which ironically aligns perfectly with my personality. In the world of the Myer's Briggs personality types, I am an ESFJ. The portion of my personality which is, I believe, my distinguishing, yet most frustrating factor is the J. It stands for Judging. But, not in the traditional sense of judging--rather it insinuates that a J personality tends to function within the context of expectations or pre-conceived notions about life. As well, a J processes things in a very linear fashion. Unlike my best friend, who is a P (perceiver), I cannot make the distant or random connections in my brain that she can. I see black and white, while she sees grey. I frustrates me often, how I process and engage with the world. And I am not sure if it is because I am a J that I have latched on so heavily to this notion of my personality and am confined by it, or if it is that I am confined by it because I'm a J? Which came first, the chicken or the egg? I'm not sure if we'll ever know. But, it is maddening to watch myself through my own eyes and not really be able to alter my own neuroticism. Am I simply using my personality as a crutch for my bizarre behavior? Or rather, does it simply help me cope with the bizarreness? I'm not sure. I've run out of categories in my mind, I shall resume this ranting later...

Actively waiting...

It seems like a paradox--to actively wait, doesn't it? I thought so, but it's not. There can be active waiting, and I think God is teaching me right now to do just that--wait, actively. I am trying to discern the difference between actively waiting and striving. There's a difference, I think. Because we cannot simple sit idle, expecting life and its opportunities to come to us, but at the same time, there is such futility in continually striving for the mere sake of striving, you know? It's actually exhausting. I am in a waiting period, and it's painful because I cannot see the conclusion of the "waiting," yet I know I meant to wait. However, He desires me to actively pursue Him in the midst of this waiting. I guess I'll just keep asking what's next...

Brevity

Life is short. I am just beginning to realize how short. We are here for a short period to live, breath, love, and then die. I think of the Scriptures that say we are like dust, or like a plant that blooms today and withers tomorrow. Our lives are indeed brief. My sister and I were talking tonight about this tangible reality, as we ourselves are growing older. She commented upon the futility of life. It does seem futile really, when one has no purpose or point. What is the point of life, truly? I believe there is no point without Christ, none. If we are not here to know Him, glorify Him, and become more like Him than this brief passage through what we know as life is meaningless. Mortal, finite life is indeed brief; however, He came to save us from that futility. It was not meant to be this way--brief. I believe it was C.S. Lewis who said that this material world is like a dressing room, simply preparing us for what's to come. I think he was right. Life may be brief, but it is not futile...

Walking...

A friend of mine just gave me an analogy regarding the Christian life that he discovered in a book he's reading. He described how there are moments in life where we soar, others where we run and sometimes when all we can do is walk. I have been soaring and running for quite some time, but I have found that often in those times of soaring and running, I have little need of God. I am sufficient. My situations are sufficient. I am now entering though a time in my life where it is all I can do to simply walk. I am finding it is in these times, however, that I truly have need of God. I will honestly confess that I much prefer to soar, amidst the beautiful places and experiences of life; however, I wonder if we learn more there? Or, if God allows us in His grace to revel in those periods, but then in His love He slows us down, bringing us into places of dependence. I love God when I am soaring, yet I have no real need of Him. I need Him when I walk. I wonder if God causes us to walk, so that in His love He can shape us, chipping away at what was otherwise inaccessible while we we ran or soared above our need for Him? I wonder...

The fog of uncertainty...

This fog hangs thick about my mind and heart at present. I feel discouraged, but not without hope. I cannot see even the very next step, but I continue to trust the hands that have guided me faithfully thus far. I am so tempted to wallow in self-pity and despair as I wander through this fog, but I know I should refrain from such wallowings, for they lead only to paralysis. A that is what he wants, but he shall not win. I cannot lay down and die as they say; instead, I have to fight and be active as I walk blindly through this fog of uncertainty; this too shall pass...

Purpose

Life is determined by purpose. Our actions, motivations, are all driven by some type of purpose. I feel my purpose, for which I have lived the past so many years of my life is now over and done--just like that. My life up to this juncture as been fairly scripted and pre-determined; however, this after college, "real life" business is another issue. It is, on the one hand, beautiful and open, free and utterly available, but on the other, it is terrifying and unbounded. Some of my close friends would say both hands are exciting. I am caught in the balance between terror and excitement. What's next? Who knows. I don't. But, I am beginning to realize, I don't have to know. Because honestly, as soon as a plan would formulate in my mind and heart, He would be directing me somewhere else in the meantime. I might as well surrender to the unknown. It seems like my only option at present...

Surreality

Life is continuing progression of the surreal. I feel caught in a vortex of forward motion, with no reverse option. How did I arrive in this place? How I have finished a time, a season, a period of life to which I shall never return? Life will move on and I will form new community, disjointed and "adult," but never again will life be so community oriented, so integrated, so holistic. I know I am losing an irreplaceable part of myself, but it's a part that must end. If I were to attempt and keep it alive, it would rot. It's like when you eat a delicious meal, and the meal was so perfect you want to repeat it; however, the repetition would diminish the perfection of the original meal. Contentment. Life moves forward. I cannot go back...