The Embrace

It is the most difficult thing in the world, it seems to me, to fully embrace where and who one is in life--holistically speaking. This idea is somewhat a compilation of the "the grass is always greener" notion and the "what if" philosophy. It is not only about not coveting, but rather loving and fully embracing who and where we are--who and what I am. My God how easy it is for us to question our purpose, our course, our decisions..."what if this?" "why not that?" "WHAT IF?" I feel as if I have been asking myself this question often as of late--why is my life not_______? I find myself second guessing my life severely in these periods. It forces me to look deep within myself and evaluate who I am becoming and whether or not I am happy with that person. Often, I come back dissatisfied. Who is this person I am becoming? And do I like her? What if...? Just when I feel as if I have convinced myself that I am who I am--and no one else--I begin to slip back into the depths of doubt. What if I had made different choices? What if I had pursued different passions? What if I had cultivated different skills? What if...? The infinite "what if" will drive me mad. I cannot live this way, rather I must--must--seek to fully embrace who and what I am...damn it.

Generalities

I hate them. I loath them. These things called generalities force, shove and push people and things into predetermined positions of horrifying uniformity. I am not saying generalities do not exist, but they are overused and abused. We prescribe boxes for everything and place people inside them for safe keeping. Generalizations leave no room for uniqueness or unpredictability, but rather ubiquitous sameness; they are like smothering blankets or stifling fumes. Humanity has taken general truths and run pell-mell. For example: women are more relational and men are more technical. Thus, at a given lunch outing, the women confine themselves to one side of the table and discuss "relational things," while the men sit across mulling over the opposing "technical jargon." Why is this so? Is it that women are incapable of conversing on all things "male" or "technical," or conversely do men not understand "relational" issues? No, neither claims are true, in my opinion. Generalities have created this false dichotomy. Yes, generally speaking, women are more relational and men are more technically inclined, but again the divide forces a false assignment of roles. I realize that human beings fit and function best within the confines of generalizations which are neat and tidy, clean and orderly, but life is not so, thus I say--shall we defy generalities...?

Transience

This is a very transient period of life: these college years, these twenties, these years of continual change and growth, fluctuation of place and people--always progressing--or are we? Or, are we simply experiencing an acute period of forward motion, in which we mature and come into ourselves, but then abruptly stop when we all-of-a-sudden "grow up." I wonder...because right now, at this point, and from this perspective in my life, I can see only change, only new adventures and only every wanting just that. I can imagine nothing worse, at present, than a steady eight to five job, a car payment, maybe a mortgage and God forbid--adult responsibilities. I want to change the world, I want to travel, I want adventure, change, unpredictable living. My friend David told me the other day, "I want a mortgage. I'm tired of my twenties..." He wants all of the things which I cannot imagine desiring. When will the time come that this dynamic period of life ceases to be? Or will it cease to be? I realize adult responsibilities and changing the world are not mutually exclusive, but I must believe life does not end upon entering the real world. I was told the other day that "we all grow older, but we do not necessarily all have to grow up." I agree with this sentiment...

The Sad Disillusionment of Reality...

A Knight disrobed
Stands exposed

The truth undeniable
Is indelibly imposed
And weighs unbearable
Upon the soul...

The shiny new cast
Is now tarnished with
Whispers from past

The world around
This Knight revolves
And spins and pounds
The souls involved...

The incongruities of youth

It is intriguing--what we do. The inconsistencies abound. The incongruities amaze. It seems to me, being of the "youthful generation," that we are extremely inconsistent. I feel the authority to say this because, well, I am inconsistent. Because of our youth--my youth--we believe we are, in a sense, invincible. Because of this fact, we also believe our actions now will not impact our lives later, or at least we act this way. The current pleasures prevail over the unseen future. I can attest to this madness of mind. I bake in the sun as a lifeguard, acquiring a golden brown tint for the brief months of summer, not considering the consequences, only the immediate results. I do not consider the sun spots that will most likely appear gradually and cruelly as I age--I simply think of now. Other examples: we smoke, drink, sleep around--OK not everyone does ALL of these things--they are examples. "We" universally. The present always prevails. We inhale smoke for the pleasure of the moment and for the sake of socialization and conversation, but then spend $$ on expensive creams to keep our skin looking youthful--inconsistent? I think so--and I know so--because I do so. We seem to be taking two steps forward and one step back, knowingly. These thoughts are not meant to condemn, for if so, I condemn myself, but rather to comment upon the amazing incongruities of my generation...and myself.

The power of one

It is amazing how one thing, one person, one moment can alter a whole life. It takes just one fatal mistake to cause a car crash and change forever the course of a life. It takes just one person to alter a whole universe, where every thought, desire and purpose are bent towards that individual. In one moment life can change as we know it--it takes only one...

Waiting...

Life is a waiting game. We wait to grow up and reach the milestones of our life: we wait to get our license, to drink our first beer and experience our first kiss. Life entails waiting--waiting to live and then waiting to die--it's all about waiting. We wait by the phone, hoping, longing--nothing. We wait in line at the grocery store. We wait for the delayed flight at the airport. We wait for the next stage: "after I graduate, after I get a new job, after I meet that perfect someone." We wait for life to arrive, but realize too late we will wait forever...